I thought it was about money
the widow's mite
and giving all
but I get it now
it's about offering anyways
offering all anyways
even when it is so small
so insignificant
That's all I have, Lord
just little things
little bits here and there
I see good in each of them
but it is so small
easy to see it as
not enough
not worth the offering
But it is offered
it was offered before
and I offer it now again
all these little
pieces and parts
I bring my offering
it is my all
and You receive it as
more
I want to know...
I want to know, Lord
Am I getting it right?
As I look back
My life
My service
So haphazard
It wasn't meant to be haphazard
And I'm all for taking
The random opportunities You present
Knowing You are orchestrating
Something bigger
Beyond what I can see
And yet when so much
Almost all
Of the meaningful stuff
The parts that really matter
Come off as "haphazard"
Disjointed
One moment there
One event here
One conversation
One meeting
They weren't intended to be so limited
They were intended to continue
To build
To have follow-up
But so many times
That didn't happen
Is this part of the plan
The picture You are weaving
My one stitch
This colour
Added only now and then
Only one little part
Of the big picture
You are weaving
I'm okay with that
If somehow I knew that is what You intended for me to do
I thought You intended more
I thought the "follow-up" part was part of the plan too
But, time and again
Frustrated
Should I stop planning
Should I stop hoping
Stop trying to build "ongoing"
In those parts so lacking
As I look back
That seems to be how it is
And maybe I should be content with that
Mostly I have been
Yet I wonder, if I've been too content
Too ready
To just "go with the flow"
And see so little
"progress"
Thirteen years ago, apparently--one conversation that I don't remember with man who died in the following year or two. His wife tells me now...I don't know the point of that. This year Easter, one gathering, then nothing more. This summer, one session, then it ended. Random one-off conversations is all... It's not that I haven't tried to do more, to faithfully follow through.
I must trust that You are doing something with this life, that You are working things out, that You have Your ways and plans. I'd like to know, like to believe, that the randomness is somehow intentional. Maybe someday...could You show me...the back of the picture, connected with the front, how those random stitches were made part of a glorious whole? I'd like to believe that is what is happening. It would be nice to know that this was intentional on Your part, not just my failure--to overcome distractedness, plan well, order this life You have given. Can I believe that You really are, still are, leading me along the best pathways for my life, even in the daily, the random, the haphazard?
Am I getting it right?
As I look back
My life
My service
So haphazard
It wasn't meant to be haphazard
And I'm all for taking
The random opportunities You present
Knowing You are orchestrating
Something bigger
Beyond what I can see
And yet when so much
Almost all
Of the meaningful stuff
The parts that really matter
Come off as "haphazard"
Disjointed
One moment there
One event here
One conversation
One meeting
They weren't intended to be so limited
They were intended to continue
To build
To have follow-up
But so many times
That didn't happen
Is this part of the plan
The picture You are weaving
My one stitch
This colour
Added only now and then
Only one little part
Of the big picture
You are weaving
I'm okay with that
If somehow I knew that is what You intended for me to do
I thought You intended more
I thought the "follow-up" part was part of the plan too
But, time and again
Frustrated
Should I stop planning
Should I stop hoping
Stop trying to build "ongoing"
In those parts so lacking
As I look back
That seems to be how it is
And maybe I should be content with that
Mostly I have been
Yet I wonder, if I've been too content
Too ready
To just "go with the flow"
And see so little
"progress"
Thirteen years ago, apparently--one conversation that I don't remember with man who died in the following year or two. His wife tells me now...I don't know the point of that. This year Easter, one gathering, then nothing more. This summer, one session, then it ended. Random one-off conversations is all... It's not that I haven't tried to do more, to faithfully follow through.
I must trust that You are doing something with this life, that You are working things out, that You have Your ways and plans. I'd like to know, like to believe, that the randomness is somehow intentional. Maybe someday...could You show me...the back of the picture, connected with the front, how those random stitches were made part of a glorious whole? I'd like to believe that is what is happening. It would be nice to know that this was intentional on Your part, not just my failure--to overcome distractedness, plan well, order this life You have given. Can I believe that You really are, still are, leading me along the best pathways for my life, even in the daily, the random, the haphazard?
Confession
Sometimes the soul just needs...confession. An evening prayer:
Litany of Penitence
Most holy and merciful Father:
I confess to you and to the whole communion of saints in heaven and on earth, that I have sinned by my own fault in thought, word, and deed; by what I have done, and by what I have left undone.
I have not loved you with my whole heart, and mind, and strength.
I have not loved my neighbors as myself.
I have not forgiven others, as I have been forgiven.
Have mercy on me, Lord.
I have been deaf to your call to serve, as Christ served us.
I have not been true to the mind of Christ.
I have grieved your Holy Spirit. Have mercy on me, Lord.
I confess to you, Lord, all my past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of my life. I confess to you, Lord.
My self-indulgent appetites and ways, and my exploitation of other people, I confess to you, Lord.
My anger at my own frustration, and my envy of those more fortunate than I, I confess to you, Lord.
My intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and my dishonesty in daily life and work, I confess to you, Lord.
My negligence in prayer and worship, and my failure to commend the faith that is in me, I confess to you, Lord.
Accept my repentance, Lord, for the wrongs I have done:
For my blindness to human need and suffering, and my indifference to injustice and cruelty, Accept my repentance, Lord.
For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward my neighbors, and for my prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from me, Accept my repentance, Lord.
For my waste and pollution of your creation, and my lack of concern for those who come after us, Accept my repentance, Lord.
Restore me, good Lord, and let your anger depart from me;
Favorably hear me for your mercy is great.
Accomplish in me and all of your church the work of your salvation, that I may show forth your glory in the world.
By the cross and passion of your Son our Lord, Bring me with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.
Litany of Penitence
Most holy and merciful Father:
I confess to you and to the whole communion of saints in heaven and on earth, that I have sinned by my own fault in thought, word, and deed; by what I have done, and by what I have left undone.
I have not loved you with my whole heart, and mind, and strength.
I have not loved my neighbors as myself.
I have not forgiven others, as I have been forgiven.
Have mercy on me, Lord.
I have been deaf to your call to serve, as Christ served us.
I have not been true to the mind of Christ.
I have grieved your Holy Spirit. Have mercy on me, Lord.
I confess to you, Lord, all my past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of my life. I confess to you, Lord.
My self-indulgent appetites and ways, and my exploitation of other people, I confess to you, Lord.
My anger at my own frustration, and my envy of those more fortunate than I, I confess to you, Lord.
My intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and my dishonesty in daily life and work, I confess to you, Lord.
My negligence in prayer and worship, and my failure to commend the faith that is in me, I confess to you, Lord.
Accept my repentance, Lord, for the wrongs I have done:
For my blindness to human need and suffering, and my indifference to injustice and cruelty, Accept my repentance, Lord.
For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward my neighbors, and for my prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from me, Accept my repentance, Lord.
For my waste and pollution of your creation, and my lack of concern for those who come after us, Accept my repentance, Lord.
Restore me, good Lord, and let your anger depart from me;
Favorably hear me for your mercy is great.
Accomplish in me and all of your church the work of your salvation, that I may show forth your glory in the world.
By the cross and passion of your Son our Lord, Bring me with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.
With You
I wondered if I'd "pass"
If I'd be in the right place
To be able to go on
In the journey
I wondered if I'd be ready
What have I really learned of You Jesus
These 15 weeks?
Do I love You more intensely?
Do I know You more intimately?
Do I follow You more closely?
Am I more quick and eager to obey Your call?
Sometimes I do
Sometimes I'm there
Sometimes it's so fresh
As I look back
Wow, this journey has been sweet
And I so long to be with You
I long to be like You
I deeply admire You Jesus
You are so wise
So good
So at peace in all situations
And Your love for me
Reaches
Draws
More and more I believe
And accept
You really do love me
And that is enough she said
That longing to "be with" You
No matter the cost
No matter that I sometimes am frightened
It's that wanting to be with You
No matter what
And I do
I really do
I've contemplated again
Running off my own way
As You ask me to walk with You again, still
Into the unknown
We're climbing a hill
The path veers a little to the right
Then disappears
I have no idea where it will go
If it will be easy
or difficult
I suspect, and am scared of...difficult
I cling to You
Sometimes...
Maybe You'll just have to pick me up and carry me
As we go forward
But I do want to be with You
Where else would I go
I'd be so lost without You
So now we go forward
If I'd be in the right place
To be able to go on
In the journey
I wondered if I'd be ready
What have I really learned of You Jesus
These 15 weeks?
Do I love You more intensely?
Do I know You more intimately?
Do I follow You more closely?
Am I more quick and eager to obey Your call?
Sometimes I do
Sometimes I'm there
Sometimes it's so fresh
As I look back
Wow, this journey has been sweet
And I so long to be with You
I long to be like You
I deeply admire You Jesus
You are so wise
So good
So at peace in all situations
And Your love for me
Reaches
Draws
More and more I believe
And accept
You really do love me
And that is enough she said
That longing to "be with" You
No matter the cost
No matter that I sometimes am frightened
It's that wanting to be with You
No matter what
And I do
I really do
I've contemplated again
Running off my own way
As You ask me to walk with You again, still
Into the unknown
We're climbing a hill
The path veers a little to the right
Then disappears
I have no idea where it will go
If it will be easy
or difficult
I suspect, and am scared of...difficult
I cling to You
Sometimes...
Maybe You'll just have to pick me up and carry me
As we go forward
But I do want to be with You
Where else would I go
I'd be so lost without You
So now we go forward
Alone
silence and lies
definitely safer
you were struggling
later, I asked
'how are you, how has it been?'
shrug of the shoulders
'oh, okay'
like everything is fine now
and there never was a problem
you asked me
'how are you doing?'
'not well'
stupid answer
now I know
it would be better to say nothing
look strong
pretend to be strong
and this is how we create
a community
of lies and silence
where the pain
cannot be spoken
the hurts
are never healed
and we are all
alone
(from an earlier time...) For years I have been disturbed that the church is often not the place where we love and help each other come to Jesus in our weakness, with our struggles. The 'leaders' and 'stronger' want to be strong, so don't share much of their real and current struggles, but somehow expect the younger ones to share. Eventually the younger ones also learn to stuff it, hiding the hurts. "Maturity" comes to also mean a certain level of falsity. "I'm fine," we say so quickly. Often I've chosen to be real anyways, share it like it is, turning to God in it, open before others about the reality. But even I, with my (in my thinking) super-high "willing to be open and vulnerable threshold," have sometimes discovered and feel--it's just not worth it, better to be fake, better to hide. God help us! May we learn to believe You love, may we learn to really love and create safety for others coming to You. How else will we find the healing that we need? How else will "love one another" be true among us?
definitely safer
you were struggling
later, I asked
'how are you, how has it been?'
shrug of the shoulders
'oh, okay'
like everything is fine now
and there never was a problem
you asked me
'how are you doing?'
'not well'
stupid answer
now I know
it would be better to say nothing
look strong
pretend to be strong
and this is how we create
a community
of lies and silence
where the pain
cannot be spoken
the hurts
are never healed
and we are all
alone
(from an earlier time...) For years I have been disturbed that the church is often not the place where we love and help each other come to Jesus in our weakness, with our struggles. The 'leaders' and 'stronger' want to be strong, so don't share much of their real and current struggles, but somehow expect the younger ones to share. Eventually the younger ones also learn to stuff it, hiding the hurts. "Maturity" comes to also mean a certain level of falsity. "I'm fine," we say so quickly. Often I've chosen to be real anyways, share it like it is, turning to God in it, open before others about the reality. But even I, with my (in my thinking) super-high "willing to be open and vulnerable threshold," have sometimes discovered and feel--it's just not worth it, better to be fake, better to hide. God help us! May we learn to believe You love, may we learn to really love and create safety for others coming to You. How else will we find the healing that we need? How else will "love one another" be true among us?
Thankful things
this apartment
clean table
the quiet
lilies blooming
peace
new students
new opportunities
excited eager eyes
space
rest
cool mornings
coffee
journal
coloured pens
water
hope
clean table
the quiet
lilies blooming
peace
new students
new opportunities
excited eager eyes
space
rest
cool mornings
coffee
journal
coloured pens
water
hope
The river...again...
I was supposed to be on this river again today, but it didn't happen. Sudden deadlines came up for some, and we needed to re-evaluate and flex and plans needed to change. The change may be for the best, for now we can do something else that we need to do, but could not find time to put in the schedule this week--we need to reflect and celebrate. I need to facilitate a good ending for this group that has been entrusted to me, to us, for these weeks. In the end, it will probably be more meaningful than a day at the waterfall and on the river.
But that previous post, is also where I am again today.
Once again I am surrounded
and wonder
Where will they go from here
...
And I wonder
where will we go from here
my colleagues and I
we're exhausted
we've run hard
worked hard
developed something
...
But do we have what it takes to go forward?
the energy and heart, the passion
the skills
the commitment
...
Lord,
Creator of this river
You who know it's source
and where it goes
Lead my life
All my days
As I follow
But that previous post, is also where I am again today.
Once again I am surrounded
and wonder
Where will they go from here
...
And I wonder
where will we go from here
my colleagues and I
we're exhausted
we've run hard
worked hard
developed something
...
But do we have what it takes to go forward?
the energy and heart, the passion
the skills
the commitment
...
Lord,
Creator of this river
You who know it's source
and where it goes
Lead my life
All my days
As I follow
A prayer for me...and you too
May the God of hope fill you
with all joy and peace in believing,
so that by the power of the Holy Spirit
you may abound in hope.
Rom 15:13, ESV
at times it burns...
at times it burns...
this passion for You
the freshness
of Your voice
the excitement
the draw
of Your call
and vision
all that You are
all this life is meant to be
the hope You've called me to
at times it burns within
a fire
that can't be held back
but there are other times
where only memories remain
faint
distant
and doubts
that there ever was a call
the smoldering remains
smoke
ashes
tears
only memories
and yearning
for the fire
this passion for You
the freshness
of Your voice
the excitement
the draw
of Your call
and vision
all that You are
all this life is meant to be
the hope You've called me to
at times it burns within
a fire
that can't be held back
but there are other times
where only memories remain
faint
distant
and doubts
that there ever was a call
the smoldering remains
smoke
ashes
tears
only memories
and yearning
for the fire
Vine
is the fruit
and that's okay
but my focus
is on You
Your love
Your words
in me
You in me
Me in You
Loving You
Obeying
just as You
love the Father
and do everything He says
and the fruit will be...
many things
and joy
overflowing joy
I will experience these
but they are not my focus
and if anyone else sees
and enjoys
great
if not
it really doesn't matter
for I am free
and enjoying the life
in You
You in me
Jn. 15:1-17
Worth
When the facadeis gone
When the busyness
fades
When all those lies of
importance
meaningful work
relevance
usefulness
are gone
Then...
what is left
Solitude, Community
“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. He will only do harm
to himself and to the community…But the reverse is also true: let him
who is not in community beware of being alone.”
–Dietrich Bonhoeffer
A good reminder today from Ruth Haley Barton and her summer series on Leading in Rhythm: Part 3 Leading in Rhythm: Solitude and Community. I've been getting out of whack in this--the extremes between solitude and "with people" can get a little too extreme in July, and I'm finding the way I do each needs work too. Solitude needs more intentional worship and life-giving, refreshing activity. Community--I need to more intentionally work out rhythms of how to be with the family of God in regular ways--challenging with different schedules and distance.
Thankful for the reminder, for the journey.
–Dietrich Bonhoeffer
A good reminder today from Ruth Haley Barton and her summer series on Leading in Rhythm: Part 3 Leading in Rhythm: Solitude and Community. I've been getting out of whack in this--the extremes between solitude and "with people" can get a little too extreme in July, and I'm finding the way I do each needs work too. Solitude needs more intentional worship and life-giving, refreshing activity. Community--I need to more intentionally work out rhythms of how to be with the family of God in regular ways--challenging with different schedules and distance.
Thankful for the reminder, for the journey.
You Count Fish
“You pull in your life and you see that though you felt ripped open —- the net actually didn’t tear."
What this is about...Counting Fish.
Paradox, Mystery
You guide along the best paths for my life
and yet You are the path
I follow You
and You lead and direct
yet I don't know where I'm going
You speak to me
I know Your voice
and follow
but half the time I can't tell that I've really heard
know that I've really followed
but looking back
I see You have led on the best paths
it's foggy again
I remember a whole year of fog
so much doubting
if the voices I heard
if their voices were true
if their accusations were accurate
but yet...I just couldn't...turn
and finally the clarity came
and I realized those hesitations were from You
You had been leading
through the fog
can I trust now
that I know enough
that there is enough intuition
that is really Your voice
to go forward
even making choices that seem
stupid
reducing
in the end
will I look back
and see
Your leading
this is the journey
forever longing
for a city
we don't quite reach
for clarity on the journey
for Your guidance
to know You are guiding
it seems an impossible struggle at times
this yearning yet never reaching
walking, yet never seeing
yet You say
You will
walk close beside me
through the darkest valley
never leave me
an orphan
You say
You'll speak
and I will know Your voice
You care for me
will You
will You be present
will I know Your presence
will I hear Your voice
if You will
I could last through anything
for this is truly
my deepest longing
Your presence
and yet You are the path
I follow You
and You lead and direct
yet I don't know where I'm going
You speak to me
I know Your voice
and follow
but half the time I can't tell that I've really heard
know that I've really followed
but looking back
I see You have led on the best paths
it's foggy again
I remember a whole year of fog
so much doubting
if the voices I heard
if their voices were true
if their accusations were accurate
but yet...I just couldn't...turn
and finally the clarity came
and I realized those hesitations were from You
You had been leading
through the fog
can I trust now
that I know enough
that there is enough intuition
that is really Your voice
to go forward
even making choices that seem
stupid
reducing
in the end
will I look back
and see
Your leading
this is the journey
forever longing
for a city
we don't quite reach
for clarity on the journey
for Your guidance
to know You are guiding
it seems an impossible struggle at times
this yearning yet never reaching
walking, yet never seeing
yet You say
You will
walk close beside me
through the darkest valley
never leave me
an orphan
You say
You'll speak
and I will know Your voice
You care for me
will You
will You be present
will I know Your presence
will I hear Your voice
if You will
I could last through anything
for this is truly
my deepest longing
Your presence
Shepherd, pt 1
You
come openly
appropriately
know my name
lead me out
I
recognize You
know Your voice
come to You
hear Your call
and follow
because
I know Your voice
You
purpose to give
LIFE
a rich and satisfying life
(NOT steal, kill and destroy)
You
sacrifice Yourself
for me
You
will never abandon me
because You
really care
You
know me
and I
know You
together with the others
under Your watchful care
You know us
we know You
Jn. 10:1-16
come openly
appropriately
know my name
lead me out
I
recognize You
know Your voice
come to You
hear Your call
and follow
because
I know Your voice
You
purpose to give
LIFE
a rich and satisfying life
(NOT steal, kill and destroy)
You
sacrifice Yourself
for me
You
will never abandon me
because You
really care
You
know me
and I
know You
together with the others
under Your watchful care
You know us
we know You
Jn. 10:1-16
Grow Girls
Grow. Learn. Stand. Strong. Please.
The one found hiding under her bed in March, by working through a conflict with her team learned the value of communication. She learned to participate in the conversation, something she finds hard to do. And, "Thank you," she said, "for giving us this opportunity to learn. Outside of here there are no places to talk and learn about this stuff--sex, and guys, and how to build healthy relationships. Thank you."
The girl who introduce herself on Monday by saying she doesn't like to hang out with other people ended the week on Saturday saying, "Everyone needs friends."
The girl who had been in a not-so-good relationship--sleeping with her boyfriend since in junior high, lots of fights and jealousies--is asking lots of questions making new decisions trying to learn from mistakes. In the afternoon debate, she pointed to her wrist and said, "Would I have done this if it was good?" What was that about? How much more is there to her pain, her struggle?
One who wouldn't have attended unless being required to, found herself feeling positive and energetic. It started the day she shared her 'castle' drawing with her team. She was surprised at the way she felt. "I'm rarely optimistic and inspired about anything."
For many others it was learning about boundaries. I hope they really have learned, that they can, and need to say "no" at the right times, and "yes" at other times, and that they they do it--leading a healthy life.
Grow girls
in wisdom
in insight
in courage
grow strong
stand tall
show a different way to live
and share all you are
with others around you
LORD
please shine Your Light on these lives
break through the darkness
illuminate
birth life and hope
and all they really need.
The one found hiding under her bed in March, by working through a conflict with her team learned the value of communication. She learned to participate in the conversation, something she finds hard to do. And, "Thank you," she said, "for giving us this opportunity to learn. Outside of here there are no places to talk and learn about this stuff--sex, and guys, and how to build healthy relationships. Thank you."
The girl who introduce herself on Monday by saying she doesn't like to hang out with other people ended the week on Saturday saying, "Everyone needs friends."
The girl who had been in a not-so-good relationship--sleeping with her boyfriend since in junior high, lots of fights and jealousies--is asking lots of questions making new decisions trying to learn from mistakes. In the afternoon debate, she pointed to her wrist and said, "Would I have done this if it was good?" What was that about? How much more is there to her pain, her struggle?
One who wouldn't have attended unless being required to, found herself feeling positive and energetic. It started the day she shared her 'castle' drawing with her team. She was surprised at the way she felt. "I'm rarely optimistic and inspired about anything."
For many others it was learning about boundaries. I hope they really have learned, that they can, and need to say "no" at the right times, and "yes" at other times, and that they they do it--leading a healthy life.
Grow girls
in wisdom
in insight
in courage
grow strong
stand tall
show a different way to live
and share all you are
with others around you
LORD
please shine Your Light on these lives
break through the darkness
illuminate
birth life and hope
and all they really need.
Bread
Daily
Sustenance
Yesterday's
Not enough for today
Today's
Not enough for tomorrow
Jesus
Thank You
For freely offering
Freely giving
Daily
Your Presence
Your Life
To me
In me
I come
I receive
Bread of Life
Feed me
Daily
Nourish
In ways I cannot see
Strengthen
Sustain
May I never be hungry again
Jn. 6:35
Sustenance
Yesterday's
Not enough for today
Today's
Not enough for tomorrow
Jesus
Thank You
For freely offering
Freely giving
Daily
Your Presence
Your Life
To me
In me
I come
I receive
Bread of Life
Feed me
Daily
Nourish
In ways I cannot see
Strengthen
Sustain
May I never be hungry again
Jn. 6:35
Dreams...
So many dreams I've had through the years. Okay, maybe not all dreams, just ideas, and hopes, and ... well, dreams! By this point, I've let go of a lot of them, I know I can't do them all. I've had to narrow, to focus, to actually spend time and effort on what I can do, perhaps (hopefully) what I am most suited to do, and most able to do with the resources available.
Yet still, the dreams come, the ideas come. Maybe they aren't dreams of things I would carry out myself, but things I hope to see.
Recently the dreams are about the homeless, the wanderers, and the weak. There have been a bunch of 'new' homeless people in town. At least, then are new to me, the weren't there before. I wonder if folks have been kicked out of larger centers and are making their way to smaller places. One man hangs out by the closest garbage bins. He's often laughing, a strange crazy laugh.
I've had some fun times with that "crazy lady" lately--I don't want to call her that. I want to know her name, know her story. I've heard bits and pieces, and am not sure what is true. It seems...her husband was bitten by a snake and died. Her children (2 maybe) are not with her now. She says they've been taken away. I'm not sure what her problem is. She can be super annoying, talking non-stop nonsense and creating a disturbance--to what degree I don't know. I have seen her being pushed out of the police station by an angry and frustrated policeman, fighting with a shop keeper, and seen her swollen hand--a witness said another market vendor beat her. She's never been violent or dangerous with me. Once I was able to calm her down and remove her from the situation. Another time she was disturbing my plans. It just took about half an hour of listening, crazy chatting...patience. The other day she was downright funny--I laughed out loud several times as we walked to the clinic to ask the doctor to check her hand. I don't yet know her name, she doesn't clearly tell me what it is...I want to make up a good one for her...a nickname I guess.
The last two times I saw her she talked about selling land. That's another dream I've had... I've thought of buying our next centre, or buying land and building. Several times I've thought of some poor people living in shack houses on land, and wondered--is there a way to buy from them in a way that would preserve their portion, still give them a place to live? This lady--she also just needs someone with understanding to take care of her.
Today I thought of a city for the homeless, the weak. A city, or a community...where there are things to do, responsibilities and contribution according to ability, but people to help with the needs--the bathing, the feeding, and especially the protecting.
In the past, there were dreams of a home for the elderly, homes and ways for girls to leave prostitution. Orphanage dreams--oh that was one of the earliest dreams...long left behind.
I guess I dream of a new world, a new way. I dream of people with changed lives who are ALL somehow finding ways to do these things--as they go, with the people they see, the people they know. And I dream of seeing this here, and in this generation, not just in the happy every after.
And some of it is happening--people that take others in, reach out to their neighbour's brokenness, become a place of refuge, taking their friends to the Refuge they know.
These dreams, Lord--I know they are all Your will in heaven for how things should happen on earth. What am I to do with them as they come? Just live out parts of them in small simple ways, and encourage others to do the same? Are there some I should really pursue, instigate, or somehow otherwise support in the future? (yes, the future, not now...I know...)
Lead me Lord. May all Your dreams come true. Put in my heart the dreams You want me to live and follow, and spread.
Yet still, the dreams come, the ideas come. Maybe they aren't dreams of things I would carry out myself, but things I hope to see.
Recently the dreams are about the homeless, the wanderers, and the weak. There have been a bunch of 'new' homeless people in town. At least, then are new to me, the weren't there before. I wonder if folks have been kicked out of larger centers and are making their way to smaller places. One man hangs out by the closest garbage bins. He's often laughing, a strange crazy laugh.
I've had some fun times with that "crazy lady" lately--I don't want to call her that. I want to know her name, know her story. I've heard bits and pieces, and am not sure what is true. It seems...her husband was bitten by a snake and died. Her children (2 maybe) are not with her now. She says they've been taken away. I'm not sure what her problem is. She can be super annoying, talking non-stop nonsense and creating a disturbance--to what degree I don't know. I have seen her being pushed out of the police station by an angry and frustrated policeman, fighting with a shop keeper, and seen her swollen hand--a witness said another market vendor beat her. She's never been violent or dangerous with me. Once I was able to calm her down and remove her from the situation. Another time she was disturbing my plans. It just took about half an hour of listening, crazy chatting...patience. The other day she was downright funny--I laughed out loud several times as we walked to the clinic to ask the doctor to check her hand. I don't yet know her name, she doesn't clearly tell me what it is...I want to make up a good one for her...a nickname I guess.
The last two times I saw her she talked about selling land. That's another dream I've had... I've thought of buying our next centre, or buying land and building. Several times I've thought of some poor people living in shack houses on land, and wondered--is there a way to buy from them in a way that would preserve their portion, still give them a place to live? This lady--she also just needs someone with understanding to take care of her.
Today I thought of a city for the homeless, the weak. A city, or a community...where there are things to do, responsibilities and contribution according to ability, but people to help with the needs--the bathing, the feeding, and especially the protecting.
In the past, there were dreams of a home for the elderly, homes and ways for girls to leave prostitution. Orphanage dreams--oh that was one of the earliest dreams...long left behind.
I guess I dream of a new world, a new way. I dream of people with changed lives who are ALL somehow finding ways to do these things--as they go, with the people they see, the people they know. And I dream of seeing this here, and in this generation, not just in the happy every after.
And some of it is happening--people that take others in, reach out to their neighbour's brokenness, become a place of refuge, taking their friends to the Refuge they know.
These dreams, Lord--I know they are all Your will in heaven for how things should happen on earth. What am I to do with them as they come? Just live out parts of them in small simple ways, and encourage others to do the same? Are there some I should really pursue, instigate, or somehow otherwise support in the future? (yes, the future, not now...I know...)
Lead me Lord. May all Your dreams come true. Put in my heart the dreams You want me to live and follow, and spread.
How do I love You?
You say I must love You with all my heart and soul and mind and strength. This has been my meditation for the past two days, and numerous times in the past as well. But...how do I love You?
Last week, coming home on a bus, after a busy weekend, pondering the ways You had once again provided, once again shown me I did not need to fret... As I gazed on the beauty around me, from my heart welled an, "Ah, I love You God." It doesn't happen for me like that very often--that feeling welling up, that immediate awareness...but does that mean I don't love You those other times?
The second command, is like the first, I must love my neighbour as myself. I think, when I love my neighbour, I'm loving You, and sometimes maybe I can see how to do this one better than the first, yet I'm often horrible at this one too.
I loved her last night, but it was You in me loving her. That I noticed her, went over and put my arm around her, wanted to talk with her, even though it was late...I don't know why, I think it was You. The 'crazy lady' ...but she was "in her right mind" last night, easier than usual to talk to her and be with her. And then I noticed her hand, or maybe it was You that noticed--the infection in the wound, and though it was late, we did the hot salt-water compresses, then antibiotic ointment and bandage. It was You loving her and me loving You as I loved "the least of these". How is it me loving You when it is first You loving me and compelling love?
So...how do I love You?
Today I remembered a Misty Edwards song, and in looking for that one, found an even better one: "Simple Devotion". Ah, this I can do...maybe this is my love for You.
All I can do...is to keep coming, attempting to "stir up my soul to lay hold of You", and ...You receive it. This song--You looking "over the balcony of heaven," is that how excited You get, over my feeble attempts at loving You? But, from the beginning to the end, it is You that compels and completes it, so...how is it me loving You? How do I love You?
In this lifetime Lord, may I learn to love You.
Misty Edwards
Last week, coming home on a bus, after a busy weekend, pondering the ways You had once again provided, once again shown me I did not need to fret... As I gazed on the beauty around me, from my heart welled an, "Ah, I love You God." It doesn't happen for me like that very often--that feeling welling up, that immediate awareness...but does that mean I don't love You those other times?
The second command, is like the first, I must love my neighbour as myself. I think, when I love my neighbour, I'm loving You, and sometimes maybe I can see how to do this one better than the first, yet I'm often horrible at this one too.
I loved her last night, but it was You in me loving her. That I noticed her, went over and put my arm around her, wanted to talk with her, even though it was late...I don't know why, I think it was You. The 'crazy lady' ...but she was "in her right mind" last night, easier than usual to talk to her and be with her. And then I noticed her hand, or maybe it was You that noticed--the infection in the wound, and though it was late, we did the hot salt-water compresses, then antibiotic ointment and bandage. It was You loving her and me loving You as I loved "the least of these". How is it me loving You when it is first You loving me and compelling love?
So...how do I love You?
Today I remembered a Misty Edwards song, and in looking for that one, found an even better one: "Simple Devotion". Ah, this I can do...maybe this is my love for You.
Over and over and over and over again
I will stir up my soul to lay hold of You
Over and over and over and over again
I will stir up my soul to lay hold of that
which I cannot comprehend
...
this is my simple devotion
my walk of faith, day by day
All I can do...is to keep coming, attempting to "stir up my soul to lay hold of You", and ...You receive it. This song--You looking "over the balcony of heaven," is that how excited You get, over my feeble attempts at loving You? But, from the beginning to the end, it is You that compels and completes it, so...how is it me loving You? How do I love You?
In this lifetime Lord, may I learn to love You.
Misty Edwards
Simple Devotion (Listen and watch here)
Over and over and over and over again
I will stir up my soul to lay hold of You
Over and over and over and over again
I will stir up my soul to lay hold of
That which I cannot comprehend
Over and over and over and over again
Over and over and over and over again
And then I'll just lean into sovereignty
I'll embrace a mystery
And I'll just rest in You
As I bathe in truth
Over and over and over and over again
This is my simple devotion
My walk of faith, day by day
Over and over and over and over again
And then I hear You say
As You gaze over the balcony of heaven
I hear You say as You peer through the lattice of time
I hear You say as You stand in heaven
I hear You say as You rejoice over me
"O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
Through that dark night of faith
She is gazing at Me!
O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
Through that cloud of unknowing
She's gazing at Me!
And You have ravished My heart
My sister, My bride
With one glance of your eye!"
Over and over and over and over again..."
I will stir up my soul to lay hold of You
Over and over and over and over again
I will stir up my soul to lay hold of
That which I cannot comprehend
Over and over and over and over again
Over and over and over and over again
And then I'll just lean into sovereignty
I'll embrace a mystery
And I'll just rest in You
As I bathe in truth
Over and over and over and over again
This is my simple devotion
My walk of faith, day by day
Over and over and over and over again
And then I hear You say
As You gaze over the balcony of heaven
I hear You say as You peer through the lattice of time
I hear You say as You stand in heaven
I hear You say as You rejoice over me
"O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
Through that dark night of faith
She is gazing at Me!
O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
Through that cloud of unknowing
She's gazing at Me!
And You have ravished My heart
My sister, My bride
With one glance of your eye!"
Over and over and over and over again..."
Jesus Wept
You enter into our pain
our confusion
You feel our sorrow
and are not indifferent
I know You see from a bigger
and broader perspective
If I knew what You know
maybe I would not be weeping now
But You know I don't
and are willing to sit here
with me
weep with me
in the ache of the waiting...unknowing
Do You also weep at the things that hurt us
undone by our own undoing
Even then You are not unmoved
and come to our rescue
for we cannot rescue ourselves
Jn. 11:35 (1-44)
our confusion
You feel our sorrow
and are not indifferent
I know You see from a bigger
and broader perspective
If I knew what You know
maybe I would not be weeping now
But You know I don't
and are willing to sit here
with me
weep with me
in the ache of the waiting...unknowing
Do You also weep at the things that hurt us
undone by our own undoing
Even then You are not unmoved
and come to our rescue
for we cannot rescue ourselves
Jn. 11:35 (1-44)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
