I want to know...

I want to know, Lord
Am I getting it right?
As I look back
My life
My service
So haphazard
It wasn't meant to be haphazard
And I'm all for taking
The random opportunities You present
Knowing You are orchestrating
Something bigger
Beyond what I can see

And yet when so much
Almost all
Of the meaningful stuff
The parts that really matter
Come off as "haphazard"
Disjointed
One moment there
One event here
One conversation
One meeting

They weren't intended to be so limited
They were intended to continue
To build
To have follow-up
But so many times
That didn't happen

Is this part of the plan
The picture You are weaving
My one stitch
This colour
Added only now and then
Only one little part
Of the big picture
You are weaving

I'm okay with that
If somehow I knew that is what You intended for me to do
I thought You intended more
I thought the "follow-up" part was part of the plan too
But, time and again
Frustrated

Should I stop planning
Should I stop hoping
Stop trying to build "ongoing"
In those parts so lacking

As I look back
That seems to be how it is
And maybe I should be content with that
Mostly I have been
Yet I wonder, if I've been too content
Too ready
To just "go with the flow"
And see so little
"progress"

Thirteen years ago, apparently--one conversation that I don't remember with man who died in the following year or two. His wife tells me now...I don't know the point of that. This year Easter, one gathering, then nothing more. This summer, one session, then it ended. Random one-off conversations is all... It's not that I haven't tried to do more, to faithfully follow through.

I must trust that You are doing something with this life, that You are working things out, that You have Your ways and plans. I'd like to know, like to believe, that the randomness is somehow intentional. Maybe someday...could You show me...the back of the picture, connected with the front, how those random stitches were made part of a glorious whole? I'd like to believe that is what is happening. It would be nice to know that this was intentional on Your part, not just my failure--to overcome distractedness, plan well, order this life You have given. Can I believe that You really are, still are, leading me along the best pathways for my life, even in the daily, the random, the haphazard?