His Hand

Did You take his hand
to save his life?
much like the surgeon
takes the leg
to get the cancer
and save the man

But he didn't have cancer
just a horrible beginning
a father, a thief
who ran off his mother
or she ran off 
after he tried to kill her
for reporting about the cow

In grade 7 or 8
he almost joined his friends
dropping out of school
off to work as a labourer
or...a life of crime
stealing for a living
like his dad
it had all crossed his mind 
 
Because of his hand
thumb and two fingers missing
since playing with dynamite at six
he realized
job pickings would be slim

So he stayed
Because of his hand

And stayed
into high school
and met
and heard
about a different way to live
taking responsibility for life
honesty and girls as more than objects

He started to change
own up
confessed how he had lied
to get more money
stood in front of his peers and confessed
things no one dares confess
but most everyone thinks

Gentleness and humility
now mark the young man
drawing his peers
to walk together
choosing again and again
a better path
while yet still trying to overcome
and understand
his hand

When he lost his hand, his fingers
he almost lost his life

Now without the fingers
on the way to gaining life 
for himself
and future generations

Ponder this...

The post from PatrickMitchel's blog is actually about blogging, but the part about retreats resonates with me. I think I need more of the Catholic priest's tradition:

Here’s a story I like to tell: some years ago a large group of members and staff of an evangelical Christian organisation were away on a 2 day retreat in a very nice hotel. (I guess funding had been sourced from somewhere!). We had an excellent time socially and in discussions, workshops and talks. At the end a Catholic priest who had been invited as an observer shared his thoughts. He said something like this (in a very gracious and gently witty way),

In our tradition when someone goes on retreat they go to experience and listen to God. The first way they do this is to fast. You have not stopped eating all weekend. A second characteristic of a retreat in our tradition is to spend many hours in prayer. You have hardly prayed at all except quickly to give thanks to God at meal times. And a third characteristic is to spend considerable time in silence, listening for what God is saying. You have never stopped talking.

There was silence at that point alright. His words hit home because they were true

Waiting Expectantly

Along with A.H. and others at 2 Years of Psalms, I've been reading Psalm 5 & 6 this past week.

I listened to the 2 chapters earlier in the week, but was struck the last part of Ps. 5:3 when I finally read it a couple of days ago--it jumped out at me because it was underlined; it must have jumped out at me in another reading a year or two go.  "Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly" (NLT).

It's the "wait expectantly" part that hits me.  Do I?  Well the "bringing requests" hits too--do I? And when I do, do I really wait expectantly? Lots of times I don't know that I do. If I don't, what am I doing then?  I don't know!  Do I not believe He hears? Do I not believe He really will answer?

And I don't know why this is so hard, but I need to remember, and choose...to come, bring my requests, and wait expectantly--knowing He is listening (I have to remind myself), knowing He is watching over my life and caring (in the not seeing Him, I think I may have forgotten), and that He will act (He will, He does, He has so many times before).

Oh God forgive me. I forget You really are there. I come and talk to You, then walk away not listening for the answer. How rude. How horrible. How... but not today. Today I bring my requests. And wait expectantly. You hear. You will rescue. You will restore. You will heal. You will give wisdom and direction. Thank You!

Uh oh...You're Dead! (Talking to Trees 2)

In the midst of all the lush green

There you are

Tall and strong

But you're dead

What happened?

Somehow you got disconnected

From your life source

From your roots

From the vine

Did disease set in slowly?

Something you should have paid attention to earlier?

Was it little bugs?

Something you thought you could handle on your own?

But you were too strong

And then the infestation grew, and grew

And before you knew it you were a goner

From other angles, you still look really good

From down below, no one would even know

You're still covered in lush green

Those that came and surrounded you

Drew on your strength

But their fruit, even you helping them bear fruit

Is no indication of your life

Their fruit is only a sign of the life in them

The sign of your life would be the fruit growing on you

And there is none

Do you even know you are dead?

Did you even notice the slow decay?

Or did you ignore the signs?

Were you so busy that you could not tell?

So caught up with all the life around you

When the life left you

You couldn't even tell?

Sometimes, actually,
No one can tell even from other angles.

Winter soon comes

All the others will lose their leaves too

Ah, that will be comforting

Then they will all look just as barren as you

You still have some use

You can still support others

Bearing their weight

Until they discover you can no longer support

But someday you will not even be able to bear your own weight

Someday the truth that IS already

Will be evident to all

You will come crashing down

Fit only to be burned

(Mostly written October 4, 2010--a day I was seeking God, and hearing Him speak through trees--words of warning, parables of life. This is the second Talking to Trees entry, see Talking to Trees 1 here)

John

You set me apart before I was born
I heard Your call
I followed
You led me into a life
Of crazy and strange obedience
But oh the wonder
Amazing
To know You were leading me
This was part of Your plan

And when people responded
To follow, or to turn away
Still I knew
This was Your thing
Something You were doing
Through me

And I knew it wasn't about me
I pointed them to You
I told them
And knew
I must become less

I knew
And it was good
But now...

Now I am cast aside
Do You even remember me
Here in this dungeon
Do You see me
All the good things I hear You are doing
Happen so far away from where I am

And
I doubt
I wonder
Did I even hear correctly
Was it all for nothing
Was anything from You
Are You the one who was to come
Or should we be looking for someone else

The answer comes back
Sounds like You are
But for me
Nothing has changed
And You ask me to accept
The way things are
And the way things will end 

(inspired reading and listening to Luke 7)

Considering that I might be the worst of sinners

"What if there was an MRI for the soul?" asks John Ortberg in his Wholeness message (Soul-o-logy series).

When Paul said he is the worst of sinners (1 Tim 1:15), he is not saying he did a careful study of all sinners in history and realized that compared to everyone else, he was the worst.  No, rather... John Stott says, "The truth is...when we are convicted by the Holy Spirit, an immediate result is that we give up all such comparisons. Paul was so vividly aware of his own sins, that he could not conceive that anybody could be worse. This is the language of every sinner whose conscience has been awakened and disturbed by the Holy Spirit."

Ortberg then invites us, for the next 20 minutes of the message to, "Consider that You might be the worst of sinners.  Don't think about the sin of anybody else...Ask God for a humble and contrite heart before Him."

I'm asking.  I'm considering... Will you join me? Listen to the message, and consider...

Again

I gave
And now there is nothing left to give
Nothing extra anyways

Burned
Afraid to trust again

The saying here goes:
"Bitten once by a snake, afraid of a rope for 10 years"
What if bitten twice?
Three times?

Ah, the stuff that hurts me is small,
Petty stuff
Not nearly what You faced
And overcame
Loving and forgiving through it all
To all, after it all
And apparently You live in me
Your life in mine

So why is it so hard to pick up again
To trust again
To go on in joy again

Review of "Love and Respect for a Lifetime" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

This is my first review for BookSneeze--they send free books, and I agree to review them! Looking forward to getting into the swing of this, although it took me a LONG time to review this one.

At first I was a little disappointed with this book. I had thought I was getting the big, full-length, and in my mind almost CLASSIC, book Love and Respect, I wanted to read it because I have heard great things about it, I buy it and give it away in Chinese..thought I should check out the original. But alas, this is the table-top edition. I was a little disappointed.

However, on reading this book, I was quite impressed. It is the gift edition, with some pages containing only one big quote, but there are pages with more content too--six chapters and an introduction to boot. I suspect that for many that may never get reading the full-length book, this one would be great for succinct content, covering the main points of what I suspect the full length book is about. "A women needs love like she needs air to breath. A man needs respect like he needs air to breath." (p. 5). Yes, women, men need love too, but for them it is spelled R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  In the space of this short little book, some specific differences are pointed out--what that "love" really looks like for a woman, what "respect" really looks like for a man, and deals with reasons we don't want to give him the respect he needs or the love she wants. This little book packs a punch. I think I know marriages that would be improved simply by the individuals involved reading this book, talking about it, listening to each other, and deliberately putting it into practise.

Downsides: I did think the "pink" wife and "blue" husband was kind of corny (probably in the big book too). Sometimes statements come rather abruptly and out of context. More background may help to understand better.


And my personal take away (gee, some of this is basic kind and caring communication stuff--not just for marriage!). Good reminders about things I have been told before that I need to watch--the expressions on my face--the reactions. I wonder how many times my tone of voice or stern expression makes it hard for others to hear--they may not feel loved or respected. And I think, it can make it especially hard for male staff members. I'll keep working on this.

NOTE: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Running...

from what
I wasn't sure
the intensity?
the reality?
all the things I used to face?
not sure
just knew I was running

I have been in danger of great falsity
all these years
calling others
to courage
to enter the wilderness
   of pain
   of grief
   of shame
   of loneliness
   of hurt
   of working things out with others

yes, it will be hard
but it is necessary
yes, it is confusing
but there is no other way
to wholeness
and healing

I know this
yet now I find
there are things I do not want to face
things too confusing
too painful
too unsure that it will be worth it
requiring too much energy
and hope I no longer have
for working things out with others

I have tried and failed
again and again

so I started running
I didn't know why
just knew I was running
reading, like a madwoman sometimes
stories--at least they resolve
easier than facing mine
with no resolution in sight

and yet the running
was to broken cisterns
drinking water
that did not satisfy

I realized
stopped running there
not totally stopped reading
but more thoughtfully, intentionally
and intentionally turning to God again

the irony
reading a book, The Sparrow,
has helped me turn
identified and put words
to the pain I feel
given words to cry out to God
expressing the pain
   the confusion
   the disillusionment

I sense a breakthrough
not yet resolution
but coming to an end of the running
and maybe a beginning
to finding a way
and the energy
to look again and listen for solutions
or to take the pain
without coming out on the other side
with a bitter and withered soul

"Someday I will know how You were holding me now"

I don't know why I wrote that line

I don't know where it came from

Even as I wrote it I was a little puzzled

One of the last lines written

I had been writing all over one page

Summarizing what You had been saying

Over the previous 3 weeks

And then out came that line

The others were repeats

This one was brand new

That was 5 months ago.

In the past couple of weeks I've thought of that line twice

And felt, "I almost know," or maybe "I think can almost catch a glimpse of it"

There has been so much unknown

So much pain

So much confusion

So much I don't understand

So much where...I just don't know what to do

All I have tried to do

To honour You in the follow through

Has failed

And I have ended up here

Empty

And broken

Picking through the pieces

Disheartened

Trying to understand...

Which parts...?

Where did I go wrong?

What did others do wrong?

What parts are for me to forgive?

What do I need to change?

What needs healing?

The pieces...

a muddled mess

a puzzle

with no box

no picture

to guide and know how it is supposed to look in the end

I still don't see the picture

Just a deeper awareness that there is one

And it may make sense one day

"Someday I will know how You were holding me now"

When it gets hard, I want to give up!

When it gets hard, I want to give up!
And yet I know that is irresponsible
And I can't 
And I shouldn't
Afterall, I'm a responsible person

So I find a million other ways
I'm subtle
I think no one will notice
Or that my Father won't notice

Procrastination by doing other things is an old
and well-practised strategy
Now I get lost in other things
Internet, blogs, reading

I wonder if I really even know how
To press in
To press on
Press in...to God
To what He really wants to say
To learn how He really sees it
And how He will give strength and wisdom
And perspective
In the thing that is hard

But the perspective doesn't come easily
Sometimes doesn't seem to come at all
And all stays hard
So I find ways to run
To give up
If only temporarily

Oh God...thank You
You love me still
You still want to be with me
And still prepare a place
Where someday You will bring me to be with You

Teach me
To properly press on
To press in
To lean in to You
In the things that are hard

Permanent Beta

Michael Hyatt says to "Embrace Permanent Beta and Launch".  There is a sense in which I need to do that more--just DO IT!  Don't wait for it to be perfect and all figured out, it's already pretty good--do it, and twig it as you go.

And yet, there are some ways in which I DO do this, and I'm okay with it.  

These days I'm thinking about how to wrap up this first time through with the students in our final year-long course "Lead Yourself, Lead Others", and especially how to wrap up the "my story" component.  I got the idea a couple of years ago reading Donald Miller's book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and started dreaming of how it could be used. Earlier, a professor had led us through a project thinking about our own life themes, using sticky-notes to create a timeline similar to this one. It was so meaningful for me personally, I want others to experience it.

So I started, just jumped in.  

To refresh myself, I looked online again, and got ideas from others. Online--what do you know, Donald Miller had audio resources fleshing out story, and NOW, there is Storyline!  Oh my goodness, what I anticipate doing with students in the future with this, is so much better than what we are doing now. Can hardly wait! But first I have to do the process myself (let's see, would it be possible to do the 2-day conference? or will it be the book, or online group?). And then I need to contact the organization--ask if there is stuff coming in Chinese, or if they have problems with my turning it into Chinese, and then...

But...we're doing it now, we're already doing it.  And ... it is way less complete and powerful than what I imagine the big package deal to be. And it is way less than I imagine we will some day be doing. Maybe we can invite these current students back for the future version some day.

It is way less, but I am doing it.
It is way less, but I think it will be pretty good.  

Yes, permanent beta. Launch, and improve as you go.

It is how our whole program goes.

Btw, blog posts are kind of like this too :o) if I waited for perfection...nothing would ever get posted.
Gee...maybe God does "permanent beta"...now that's another take...(only goes so far...but..)

Gone

It's gone now

Washed away by the rain

The blood spilled on the pavement last night

All the signs are gone

But still I remember

I want to remember

Don't know how or if I should remember

Don't know what to do with it

It happened so fast

And rather familiar

But the outcome is not always so devastating

I heard from my kitchen

Up here on the 4th floor

A thump

Then, looking out

Saw people running

I too...went to look

Out my office

There on the ground a man

Dark pants, white shirt

Fallen off his motorbike

Guess he had been hit

People were there

Trying to pull him up

A lady with a baby carrier

Worked to pull the motorbike off him

At first I thought he was moving, responding

That the next thing he'd do is struggle to get up

Shake himself, stumble a bit

But get up

But he didn't

He seemed to curl up a bit

And the crowd stepped away

And the dark stain around his head was clear

and huge

Even from the 4th floor

The ambulance came

I didn't see them take him

The last I saw was the spot with all the blood...

and the motorbike still there

Police checking, measuring

And finally ... just the blood was left

But now even that is gone

Washed away by the rain

But him

Is he gone?

Did I watch him go last night?

Or maybe he was gone before I even saw anything?

Did someone lose their husband last night?

Their father?

Or is he still in hospital, struggling to remain?

How should I think about this?

How should I respond?

How should I remember, or not remember?

It's the kind of thing that makes you want to do something

Or feel like you should have

Last night--what did I do?

Whisper a prayer:

     "Lord have mercy" "Lord, help him live"

Make a couple of calls, overcome that "surely someone down there must

     have called an ambulance" thinking, but by the time I got the number 

     and called, the ambulance had arrived

Send a text message to a colleague: "Do you ALWAYS wear a helmet 

     when on your motorbike, even for short distances in town? This is

     what I just saw..."

Lord, bless the man, bless his family

Lord have mercy

Lord have mercy

--The accident: June 3, 2012, around 9 p.m.

A Healthy Soul

"...a soul is healthy to the extent that it experiences a strong connection to and receptivity to God."

from Soul Care

These days...focusing on renewing that health--the connection and receptivity.

"Living from a healthy soul does not mean you'll have an easy life...[it] means you remain alive to God, alive to yourself and alive to others, smack in the middle of the ups and down s of life."

Mindy Caliguire, in preview from Discovering Soul Care

How alive to God am I? How can I become more alive to God?

Don't Refuse This

Karen talks about her invitation to the White House, because of her father's death as a soldier in Vietnam, then quotes another:


“I get the invitation every morning when I wake up to actually live a life of complete engagement, a life of whimsy, a life where love does. It doesn’t come in an envelope. It’s ushered in by the sunrise, the sound of a bird, or the smell of coffee driving lazily from the kitchen. It’s the invitation to actually live, to fully participate in this amazing life for one more day. Nobody turns down an invitation to the White House, but I’ve seen plenty of people turn down the invitation to live fully. Turning down the invitation comes in lots of flavors. It looks like numbing yourself or distracting yourself or seeing something really beautiful as just normal. It can also look like refusing to forgive or not being grateful or getting wrapped around the axle with fear or envy.  I think everyday God sends us an invitation to live and sometimes we forget to show up or get head-faked into thinking we haven’t really been invited. But you see, we have been invited — every day, all over again.” 

From Karen Spears Zacharias' blog, quoting Bob Goff's book.

Thanks for this Karen, thanks for this Lord.

No Fish

No, I haven't caught any fish.

Not quite sure what to do with myself these days

I went out looking

Wanted to...at least do something

Something to pass the time

Something to fill the ache

Something productive

Something that might at least make me feel useful

And like there is purpose

I've lost purpose

Now that You've gone

Or show up so much less

Not sure of my direction

The way forward has no path

Unless I make one myself

And fishing ain't so bad

A good living

Respectable

I am good at it

Or ... was

But I have caught nothing

Here in this boat 

I have not found anything to fill

The longings are still the same

The ache is still there

The missing You ... in community

Trying to figure it all out

What was this all supposed to be about anyway

I left

I followed

You spoke to me

And touched my heart in so many ways

I thought I would never be the same

But now I wonder

And I haven't caught any fish


(Jn 21 "Have you caught any fish?")

I lean into pain

I lean into pain...I think that's it, that's how it looks for me. That's how I am my Father's daughter.

Jamie TVWM wrote: "In the same way, when you lean hard into the gifts that God his given you and when you pour your might, spirit, and heart into those gifts, then you reflect beautifully on your Father in heaven.

You get to lay it all out there! And then remember that Shame and Pride have lost their place in your world - You are simply your Father's son. "

I lean into pain.

• Wednesday morning on the steps of the courthouse, waiting with friends for their divorce proceedings to begin (later postponed due to the other party not coming). 
• That night another struggling.
• This week a colleague has been out searching for our new students--stories of pain and struggle--the one with no parents, yes, we're taking her for sure.
• Tonight a call--a sister hurting, mom feared for her life last night when dad beat her.  Now she's bringing mom to her city, courageously doing what she can, yet hurting.

I love that line: "lean hard into the gifts that God has given you, " and then recognizing that "I'm my Father's daughter."

Not sure I fully live this yet. Too much insecurity and wondering. And then also too much pride and shame.  

Yet...I've also backed away from some pain in recent months. What's with that?

Don't know how this "I lean into pain" idea popped into my head, but it fits--the life I live and the work I do...lean in, to join with others in the pain, help find healing, relief... Perhaps it also fits the attitude I need to adopt in facing this other pain.

I want to live this more and more. I need to really lean in, to enter into some of the even closer pain, quit pulling back, quit flinching.  

I'm my Father's daughter. I'm meant to lean in.

How will she...

What will it look like
How will it happen
When she finally believes?

'Cause I think she really is on the way
Slow though it is

Is she?

She started out--"I don't believe in Jesus, but I like people who do"
Two years ago

She still doesn't 'believe'
But when we talk about thanking Him
She realizes, she can thank Him for meeting people that believe in Him
Showing her a way of living that is good
Something she would have known

And as we study Mark together
So slowly
We rotate facilitating
She doesn't pray
But brings up that it is time for that part.

Yesterday--a friend whose parents are in divorce court next Wednesday
asked for prayer, but said, "I don't know what to pray for"
She came back to that later and said,
"Don't know what to pray for...well, can ask for a just and fair result"
And after we had finished praying she said,
"And oh, I forgot to say (a student who is ill)"

Is she on the way?
I think so
Oh Jesus
Bring her home
Home to You

And I can't wait to see how it will be
How your seed is falling even now
On soil that is being prepared
Oh how deep the roots will grow
Please make them grow deep LORD
And Oh the fruit that will come
Fruit that will last, please LORD
A strong tree in the courts of our God
That's what she will look like
That's where this is going
I hope
I pray 
Our Father, may Your will be done

(written several weeks ago...'yesterday' is not yesterday)

Running...

You on the beach
Me in the boat
But there You are
Calling out to me

I see it is You
I turn
I jump
I run
Nothing else matters

I run to You
I look in Your face

I want to know
How You might look at me
What You might say to me
Please...speak to me

Speak to me
Say the words I long to hear
Say the words I need to hear

Invite me once again
To follow only You
Ignoring all others

(inspired by...John 21)

A Decision...

A decision made

For sanity

For boundaries

For time and space to recover and heal

In the working through to forgiveness and restoration

I still am not sure where the boundaries are

And that I could do better next time

So...in spite of the "need" that compels

I chose for space

Distance from the hassle

And heart struggle

Until perspective can be regained

Reconciliation at a slower

More measured pace

The decision is somewhat painful

And yet hopeful

I feel a peace

I had not quite expected