I thought the wound was needing forgiveness for healing to take place. True, I've been in the process of figuring out my anger, and choosing to forgive. Forgiveness has been and is part of the process. Am I done? Is everything forgiven? I'm not totally sure, but, as I've spent some concentrated time thinking and praying around the issues and relationships that feel painful these days, I've come to the conclusion, forgiveness is not the issue, disappointment is.
Related, and driving the point home even further, I just went skimming through my email 'drafts' folder--oh, so many emails never sent. And some of the "top on my radar" disappointments show up in there too.
God, what do I do with these? Why do they hurt so bad? How do I learn to better cope with the disappointments of life? And, that some have piled up over the years--is that a sign of unforgiveness, or that I just need to set clear boundaries, at least in my mind, around (or between) myself and certain individuals?
My response, at this point, is to shut down, to not care, to not engage. It's too big. It's too risky. It's too painful. Oh, I'm not shutting down and "not engaging" with everyone, but definitely with these ones, and all that concerns them. My guard is up and high, and I want to keep it up. Beware, I tell myself, don't trust them again, don't trust the friendly conversation, you can be friendly, but don't share your heart. Oh yeah, and isn't that the way to live!
This is where I am today. These are the questions, this is the awareness of my heart pain. This is the me I bring to the Healer. Teach me your ways, O God. God I want to see.
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