Questions

What would you do if you could do anything?

Yeah, so, if there were no limits, no constraints, how would I spend my life? What would I choose?

Heard this question on a Michael Hyatt podcast with Greg McKeown (author of Essentialism) today. It was a question that changed the direction of his life. I guess this one is meant to open up our thinking, to get past areas where we might have been living assuming we were locked in, thinking we had no choice. 

So, what would I do. He (Greg) made a list. Maybe I should do some brainstorming, and see where it takes me.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

I heard this one in a video by Sheryl Sandberg. She says it is a question Mark Zuckerberg asks them at Facebook--and it's posted on the walls there. I guess it's meant to encourage us to NOT let fear be the determining factor in our lives, to figure out where fear is hindering or holding us back. Yes, it IS pretty sad if choices get made, or things don't get done, only because of fear.

How many times does God say, "Do not fear," "Do not be afraid," "Be strong and courageous"? To the things He is leading in, for the things he wants us to do, and to do through us, fear cannot be the reason we don't do it, don't go forward. I guess this question then helps to clarify, and point out the areas where fear is a problem. I've done it before, identified my fears, brought them to God, heard His answers and known Him to reduce my fears or, find courage to do it anyway.

So, what would I do if I was not afraid? Figure out a way to do those things.

What would you attempt if you knew that you could not fail?

This one kind of bugs me, but it's related, so I'm posting it. It's on a sticky note on my wall. I just noticed it again recently. It's dated 2007.05.11--yep, that old--from something I saw at Sparkpeople.com. Why does it bug me? Because we CAN fail. Maybe what I attempt will fail. What is more important to learn, I think, is to not be afraid of failure--something that sank in for me a little more through several message heard in the World Leaders Webcast one year, but especially from Craig Groeschel's message on Pushing Through the Fear of Failure.

So, I almost wonder if this question should be rephrased to something like: What is a goal so worth pursuing, that even if you failed, and failed many times along the way, it would still be worth doing, worth risking?or Isn't what you're pursuing worth risking it, even if you fail? Because...you might succeed... or What is a goal so worth pursuing, that you should do it, even if the chance of success is only 5%? You should still do it, and even if you fail, maybe others will come along and do better, and even their success will be worth it.

Oh, I don't know, and I haven't thought enough about the answers to these questions, at least not in any precise and concise way recently, but they do seem to be questions worth pondering, and questions that might give clarity for what needs to be resolved in order to go forward.

to "get" Christmas

So, why did You do it? 

Why did You come?

I'm not getting it this year.

Nothing is sinking in.

Is this it?

There You were

Looking down at us

Wanting more for us

So You decided

To come

To show us

Your heart

Your love

To show us what God is like

To rescue us

To save us

Wanting to change the way You related with us

To come close

To expand Your reach

More effectively

Beyond just one people group

So that we would forever know

And get it

I'm starting to 'get it'

And yet I don't

I've been thinking (again) recently...

The older I get

The less I have answers that would seem 

   to make sense 

   to anyone else

But the older I get

The more deeply I am also convinced 

Of... 

   my need for You

   and the 'proof' within

The goodness You are, that draws me

And this, in itself

Must prove I have been somewhat changed

To recognize You for who You are

I choose faith again

(And I guess I'm on a bit of a Chris Tomlin roll today)

A New Theme

I wonder if his might be the theme, or part of it, for this next season--maybe even the next two years. By "this" I mean some ideas in this song. There are a lot of ideas...lots, yes, ALL of it could be the theme. I'm listening to the song, over and over again.  

Although I'm a little hesitant to do so, as it might be a huge over-simplification, I guess it could be summarized by the words "Abide in me." 

Abide in Me.

For years I have loved, and kept coming back to John 15, and the words, images, invitation and commands there. When I've heard the words in the past, I've usually heard them as Jesus' invitation to me--to abide in Him. But what He says is, "Abide in me, and I in you." (John 15:4, ESV). (Other versions use "remain," and I think of that word too.)  However this song turns it around, and invites Jesus to "abide in me, let my branches bear Your fruit."

One season has ended, a new one is beginning. Maybe it's not that significant, but then again, maybe it is. Just over three years ago a friend and I started Journey with Jesus: Discovering the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius, and that was the guidance for daily prayer time for about 13 months. It was life-changing. I want to go through it again sometime. Then, for two years we've used A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants. This one has also been wonderful. I'll probably come back to it too. 

In these past three years the daily readings and prayer times have taken me deeper with the Lord, often through shorter Scripture passages, and a different way of interacting with Him, hearing Him, and it has been beautiful!

And yet, after three years, I'm feeling like it's been a long time since I've read lots of parts of the Bible. I'm wanting to go back at it again, to read it again, to hear it again. I want to hear and see the themes again, from where I am now. I want to know what the Lord might say to me this time.

And so now it's a two year plan (still not very fast) of simply reading through the whole bible again, extending this plan (I DO like reading in various places!) to 104 weeks.

And I've been trying to find an expression for what I am looking for, or for what I feel the Lord is inviting me to now. There are several parts to it, but this song just might summarize a fair bit of it.

Nice!

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes I forget and I live as though You are not here, as if You had not spoken, as if what I do each day doesn't really matter. I'm sorry Lord, well...sorry a little, but not quite enough yet. I'm not sure it's really sunk in yet. But...thank You for this gentle reminder, this drawing, this invitation...

I took you from the ends of the earth,

    from its farthest corners I called you.

I said, "You are my servant;"

    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isa. 41:9-10

It was for Israel, but maybe it is for me too.

You have called me. You have chosen me. There are things You want me to do, for which You will strengthen me. But I forgot, I think. Or I forget in the midst of day to day living, and I end up living as if what I do doesn't matter.

But it does matter.

"Dismayed." Yeah, I guess that's how it is, that's how I live about some of this stuff.

So...what if I readjusted? What if I really look at this as Your promise to me? What if I look into Your eyes, and listen, as You speak this over me?

(pause...breath...read it again...and maybe again...)

As I do that...something shifts.

Thank You for this reminder.

Thank You for this invitation.

Thank You for Your promises...and Your presence.

Yearning...

Yearning today, these days
for something
I don't know what
something that is You
something that satisfies
something I've had and known in the past
   sometimes
something that is still in the future
   not yet revealed
   not yet given

Funny
I'm yearning for it
and yet the yearning
is in itself
somewhat satisfying
as though
   it's right
   it should be
   it's a good place to be

Encouragement from Jeremy Camp

Same Power--Jeremy Camp

He Knows--Jeremy Camp

Even me

I dare to believe

You look on

Notice

And consider

Even me

Yeah, I know

My perspective is probably off

I'm not seeing correctly

I'm frustrated and overwhelmed

By problems

Many of which

Are my own making

And yet I dare to believe

I can come to You

Talk to You about it

You won't just brush me off

You won't nod and pretend You're listening

Meanwhile doing an internal eye roll

Whatever needs to be said

Whatever I need to hear

You'll look on me with 

   love

   grace

   dignity

And

   instruct

   lead

   guide

I dare to believe I can still come

Whatever it is

Whatever the reason

Oh I know

Arrogant or haughty is not the way

That might receive a different welcome

But 

   messed up

   confused

   overwhelmed

   disappointed in self

   the contrite and broken

These can come

And You receive

Even me

Press on!

I need to remember this...the thoughts that came after seeing and re-posting this picture and quote.

My initial thoughts:

I need to remember this, KEEP remembering this. 

THEN I thought...

Hey wait, no I don't. I don't do this anyways! I don't "limit [my] vision based on [my] current resources." I consistently pursue vision beyond my resources. My problem is that I later get discouraged when the getting there is long, when I can't figure out how to get to the realization of the vision. What's up with that?  

Hmm...Maybe how I need to rephrase this is.

"Remember, you didn't choose/set your vision based on resources currently available to you. You're going to need to keep trusting God, learning, pressing forward--for a long, long time! Don't be discouraged. Don't give up. When you fall flat on your face, take a breather if you need to, figure out what went wrong, get the help you need, learn how to do better, but then, get up and keep going. (And don't mope, and don't complain either!)." 

Ha! Mine is a little more wordy and a little less pithy than Michael Hyatt's, but...it's probably more what I need to hear. I like it! Thanks Michael Hyatt​ for helping me process this!

Press on, toward the vision

that is beyond your current resources.

I am not alone

I am NOT

     forgotten by You

nor thrown away

     by You

And...

     I am NOT alone

I Am Not Alone

Kari Jobe

When I walk through deep waters

I know that You will be with me

When I'm standing in the fire

I will not be overcome

Through the valley of the shadow

I will not fear

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow

I see Your light is breaking through

The dark of night will not overtake me

I am pressing into You

Lord, You fight my every battle

And I will not fear

You amaze me

Redeem me

You call me as Your own

You're my strength

You're my defender

You're my refuge in the storm

Through these trials

You've always been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

Not Forgotten

I am

not forgotten

Thank You Lord

for the reminder

Just as through me

You reached out to a sister

on the other side of the world

You, through another sister

again, on the other side of the world

reached out to me

simply reminding me

I am not forgotten

It must have been You

that reminded her of me

in this oh-so-difficult time

We haven't connected in ages

she would have no way to know

except for You

putting me

on her mind

"You've been on my mind so much lately"

(and a little 'praying' emoticon)

Thank You

I am

not forgotten

We are

not forgotten

none of us

ever

This is the truth

This is what You promise

I will never leave you nor forsake you

With you always, to the end of the world

but we sometimes forget

or don't feel remembered

Yet You reach out to remind

Thank You

Thank you M.E. for listening to Him, hearing about me, for praying and for letting me know. No, I'm not on the verge of despair or anything that bad, but it has been a tough journey lately. Thank you for reminding me of His care, for letting Him use you to remind me. You blessed me today (well, actually, starting last night) sister!

the walking wounded

It's an amazing thing

that we can be

wounded

and yet walking

wounded

and yet reaching out to help others

we're just a community of broken ones

falling ones

stumbling ones

crawling ones

with strength enough

even when you are crawling

you can reach back

and give a hand to someone

stumbled in their crawl right beside you

or pause, to stop together and encourage

to keep crawling

I was amazed, three days ago, to be in a rough place myself, yet sensing the Lord tell me that a friend was struggling--to reach out, and ask, encourage. It turns out, she was struggling, really struggling. The next day, I was moved by the pain and struggle of another, and led to some tangible and specific ways to help, that really did help in the end. And then this became good for me too, to know His leading me, even in the midst of  my own struggle... and even there, in the absence of sensing His presence, ah, starting to note His presence. Mysterious, the way He works, the way He draws, the way He reminds.

All are justified freely

"and all are justified freely by his grace 

through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

--Rom. 3:24

Why is THIS verse not more commonly known and memorized?
Why is THIS verse not often repeated as a stand-alone statement?

Instead we, or at least I, for years and years have known that Rom 3:23 says,

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," 

All have sinned

All fall short

All, and that means you and me, have sinned.

It's part of "The Roman's Road," a simple, easy to memorize, and formulaic way of presenting the Gospel...through just a few verses in Romans.

So we know Romans 3:23, but we don't know it with 3:24 right after it.

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 

and all are justified freely by his grace 

through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

--Rom. 3:23, 24

But it's even better when you start a little earlier, reading from v. 21...and this might not work now already, because I've drilled in a reminder of verse 23, but try, just try for a minute, to read it fresh, and note what is emphasized as the main thing, and what is more background, in this passage.

But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. --Rom 3:21-26 (NIV)

Whoa! Sure, Rom 3:23 is true, but if you read it in the context, the main point of the passage is righteousness--there is a righteousness that comes from God that is available to all. That all have sinned is the back story, the obvious reason why we need it, but our sin, or that all have sinned, is not the focus, not the main point at all! It reads as almost a side comment.

The main point, what jumps out to me today, is that there is a righteousness from God that has come, that is available. Hallelujah! Amen! Praise God.

I am justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Thank You, Lord!

Wrestling it through...

When You speak

When You break through

What do You want us to do with that?

Do You want us to just 

   listen

   receive

   and do it?

Perhaps, sometimes.

Perhaps, often even.

But is that always what you want us to do.

Jacob wrestled a blessing from You

You told Moses to leave You alone (Ex. 32:10)

So that Your anger could burn and destroy the people

But he didn't leave You alone

He argued that one with You

And You relented

It's almost as if You wanted Him to stay and argue

Was it a test?

Just a bit later (33:1-3) You told him

You wouldn't go with him, with them

You'd send an angel

But You wouldn't go

And again he argues with You

And...You let him

And seem to like it

I've always thought I could engage with You

I've always thought You could take my questions

But this, now, is the context of when You speak to me

When You speak to Your people

It makes sense that we should engage

And like the examples above, even

   question

   disagree

Your final answer

Might be a little different than the original

And now I'm thinking a step further

Of the times I thought You have spoken

And I did agree, I did like it

But then I just sat on it

And sometimes

They didn't happen

Could it be that my lack of wrestling it through

   praying that it would really happen

   became a hindrance?

Could it be

That when You speak

No matter what

You really want us

You really want me

   to engage

Hearing You speak

Hearing what You say

   is not quite enough

There are implications

There are always implications

And I need to learn to stay

   and work those out

To keep listening

   and wrestling

It is a whole life

Continually lived in Your presence

Always engaged

Grace pours down...

If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, 

Lord who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness, 

so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

(Ps. 130:4-5)

Thank You Lord, for forgiveness, for grace.

Thank You for being "the lifter of my head" (Ps. 3:3)

Sin is real

Shame is real and can be so crippling

But You

Offer forgiveness

You

Don't want to

Are not willing to

See us forever bowed down

And the body

The Christian community

Should be a place that lives this out

Where we can come broken, contrite

And find acceptance, warmth, forgiveness

And strength to go on

Thank You for forgiveness and grace
Thank You for a body that lives this out
Thank You for family, that is real with each other

Semi-related thoughts that have come on this: 

I was tempted, yesterday, to not go to the Bible study. "What's the point?" I hadn't prepared (done my homework, hadn't even read the chapter, only listened to it once or twice. Certainly hadn't prayerfully considered the questions or written anything down). Didn't even have my notebook to write down the thoughts of others. And...I was late...but, I somehow still thought it was good to go.

Then, I had a memory, from 20+ years ago--sitting in church in a weeknight Bible study. The rows of chairs were facing forward. My dad was leading or teaching, sitting in one of the front rows, but not facing the people straight on. He was angled back toward them so they could hear him, but he was looking at the floor the whole time. It bugged me that he didn't look at everyone. I kept wanting to get his attention, thought of writing a note and handing it to him, "Look up, look at the people."

I don't know when we talked about it...maybe that night in the car going home. 

What he said, "You know [my name]..." and then what came was just how low he was feeling right then--how broken down, struggling, hurting. I didn't know the details, still don't, but I've later heard more of the stories and struggle from those years...

And I thought (and I STILL think), "What a shame!" The church should be the place where we can come and share our struggle, our brokenness. This is where we can come to learn to live out the reality of this Book we read, these truths we hold to. If we can't come and wrestle it out here, with these people, pray tell, where and when DO we learn to live out these truths? 

How sad, then, that my dad couldn't be real about the struggle. How sad, then, that there were very few being real about faith intersecting with life, and the learning to live it as a Christ-follower. Ah--when it would get talked about--when things got to an extreme--a "fall," a need for church discipline...  

I hope we are doing better now. I think we are.

It makes me wonder--how did I become one who would be vulnerable and real about it all? When and how did I realize--that if this faith is real, if this God is real, then He must also be real in the reality of life...no need to hide it, or cover it...

Jesus Come

what do I do with this dull heart and head?

I so long for You to come close

to be able to hear You

see You

sense You

I want

I would like

for my life to be wrapped up in Yours

to somehow know, again

that You are leading, guiding, speaking

to know Your presence

and have that be

enough

But...

I don't know
Your presence now

I can't 

feel You

sense You

hear You

I wish I could hear You speak

I wish You would reach through

I'm still hoping You will

reach through the fog

into this space

somehow

give perspective

until You do

I will wait

I will hope

I will believe

beyond what I can see

more...

I must cultivate more
this desire

the desire to draw close to You

to be wrapped up in You

You holding me

wrapped around me

written Aug. 13, 2015, feeling it again today

Sharing the journey

Glad to be there today

for her

glad to be me for her

glad to have had my journey

and freedom found

for it is the freedom she needs

I wish there had been someone like me

for me (is that weird to say?)

when I was her age

someone to tell me

they understood

it was normal, in some sense

how to find a way through

that all could be talked about

what part to be concerned about

what part

might actually not be much of  a problem

for me the freedom and insight came

fifteen years later

(and I'm thankful for the people I had then)

I'm glad for her

and proud of her courage

I see a beautiful heart

a heart You have made new

deeper in her

than the sin and the struggle

is the desire to live clean and free

that is You drawing

You leading

Your life

   that is stronger

   than any evil or darkness

at work and alive in her

Thank You for the journey

for mine

for hers

for this chance to journey together

what a privilege to be

a safe place

the first one

with whom she has shared

and I'm thankful for those

who were safe for me

being formed

What is this that comes

It could only be You

A knowing the need for compassion

An asking for love for

Even the ones who have wronged

Oh, I'm still far from how You lived it Jesus

Not sure the asking for forgiveness for them

Would come quite that quick

While they were doing the hurting

But I see something of You

Growing in me

Grow more in me

The ability to love, to truly love

Even those who cause pain

All I know is weak

maybe I was supposed to lead

maybe I was supposed to show them

how to be strong

but all I know is weak

weak

broken

floundering

crying out for help

running to my only Refuge

falling on Him

knowing Him strong

knowing Him faithful

through the years

and many tears

the dark

the clouds

the wandering

flat on my face

crawling

holding on

just barely

or not even holding on

but knowing Him 

holding on to me

this is all I know to do

this is all I know to show you how to do

to be weak

be weak

and name it

own it

say it

with tears streaming down your face

sadness in your eyes

apologizing for the more that you can't give

make the changes needed

ask for the help needed

receive the strength that comes

from Him

directly

or through others

no, I am not strong

I can only show you how to be weak

but the weak

somehow

in the weirdest twist of all

becomes strength that rises

a deep, firm core

a deep stabilizing

so weak

but unable to be

thoroughly defeated

a weak that becomes strong

and frees others

to be weak

and eventually

grow strong

Known

"I Shall Know Him"

I enjoyed the song today

Showed up on my FB feed

"...by the prints of the nails in His hand"

I get it...it's a song of thankfulness

For what You've done Jesus

And I thank You

But I don't think I'll need to search

To look at Your hands

To check

To make sure it's You

I suspect

I'll know You

Just by looking in Your eyes

Knowing that You know me

You, the only One who has known me completely

Loved me completely

I shall know You, 

And be eternally thankful

For how You have known me

And walked with me

Ever-loving

Ever-guiding

And all You've done for me

I shall know You

And I shall love You

Wrecked

Wrecked
Again

By a vision that wasn't mine

It was theirs

They were supposed to do it
But now it falls to me
To carry
Until the time is right
Until the Lord parts the sea
Opens a way

Wrecked
Not just by that vision, their vision
But also by...the original one
How it pulls at my heart
How it embodies so many stories
So many hopes and dreams

And wrecked
By how "impossible" it all is

I submit myself, again Lord
To You
And an impossible dream
An impossible vision
That can never happen
Unless You enable
Unless You empower
Unless You provide the resources

And it will never produce fruit
Fruit that will last
Unless You breathe into it
Unless You give it life
Unless You are the one that directs
Unless Your wisdom leads all decisions

Lead Lord
And continue to "wreck" me in the process

This post started and felt Aug. 25...written Sept. 1

How long do I have?

How long do I have

How long will I live

People die all the time

Some young

Some old

Thinking I have a 'vision' that will take another 15 years

Is no guarantee

When I go

What will I leave

What will remain

What will keep living

Long after I have breathed my last

Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground

   and dies...

May there be something

    much even

That lives on, and on, and on

Forever

Never dying

(rambling thoughts after seeing a news piece...someone dies at 49...just 4 years older than I...)

23?

Twenty-three

Is that how many You want us to take in?

Who are they?

Please bring them

We've already met most of them

Help us discern

And if we haven't met them yet

Bring them to us

Who are they?

Lord, let them be the ones

Who need healing

Who want to be free

Who are willing to receive

Who will grown

   learn

   become strong

And then be the ones

Who will be strong to help others

Who will be truly transformed

Only twenty-three?

Choose them well

For the future

Ones who will invest their talents

And reap great reward

Who will return the "much" that you require of them

Because You will give them much

Discipline... I need...

I read this, a week or two ago...it is convicting. It tells the truth of my life, and something that is lacking.

When we begin to ask what the conditions of inner renewal are, we receive essentially the same answers from nearly all of those whom we have most reason to respect. One major answer is the emphasis upon discipline. In the conduct of one's own life it is soon obvious, as many have learned the hard way, that empty freedom is a snare and delusion. In following what comes naturally or easily, life simply ends in confusion, and in consequent disaster. Without the discipline of time, we spoil the next day the night before, and without the discipline of prayer, we are likely to end by having practically no experience of the divine-human encounter. However compassionate we may be with others, we dare not be soft or indulgent with ourselves. Excellence comes at a price, and one of the major prices is that of inner control.

We have not advanced very far in our spiritual lives if we have not encountered the basic paradox of freedom, to the effect that we are most free when we are bound. But not just any way of being bound will suffice; what matters is the character of our binding. The one who would like to be an athlete, but who is unwilling to discipline his body by regular exercise and by abstinence, is not free to excel on the fields or the track. His failure to train rigorously and to live abstemiously denies him the freedom to go over the bar at the desired height, or to run with the desired speed and endurance. With one concerted voice the giants of the devotional life apply the same principle to the whole of life with the dictum: Discipline is the price of freedom.

--from The New Man for Our Time by Elton Trueblood, quoted in A Guide to Prayer..., pp. 226-227.

A great way to "lose yourself"

Lose yourself in the joy of living God's love

--Jarrod McKenna

So much good could be said about this video. I first learned of it through this shorter clip--containing a powerful metaphor and illustration

But really, the FULL video--just over 34 minutes long, is really worth the watch.

Amazed, Thankful

What are you doing, God

Is this You speaking, somehow

into my life at this point

fanning into flame

this renewed hope

   renewed faith

   renewed trust

Is this You affirming

somehow reaching down to reassure

"yes, you do hear from Me.

yes, I am using you."

so that I will have courage

and faith

to go forward

in all those areas where I don't see a thing

but have only vague impressions

vague hopes

This is what I sense

and so I say, "Thank You"

Thank You for the reassurance

Thank You for the affirmation

Thank You for blowing me away once again

Thank You 

for moving my heart for the kids

for showing the place of connection

for giving words, to me

that connected with what You are doing, in them

leaving us all clear, that this is it

this is the crucial point, 

for their going forward

for their growth

BTW, 

You're blowing me away again, You know 

that You would use me 

in their lives

it's like Naaman's servant girl

or Balam's donkey

but I'll take it

deep down

it's what I want most of all

my life used by You

participating in Your great purposes

may I be yielded

and hearing

more and more

do it, Lord

Your good thing

far beyond anything

I could ask or imagine

Tears...

Tears come
My heart is hit
My heart breaks
For the kids I know
But barely know
And are leaving soon

My heart is overwhelmed at the mystery
The sense of being used in their lives

My heart breaks
Tears flow
And I'm thankful
Because these tears tell me
That I am alive
Even though exhausted
And could feel 'dead'
They assure me

My heart is still alive
  it can be touched
    it can be moved
      it cares
About things that are important

A time for tears

Lots of tears...

Tears at the wonder

   of what you might be doing

Tears at the immensity of the task

   and asking you for help

      please send help

      who will you send?

Tears for the pain

   here

   and all over the world

When I come

When I stop
When I come
When I finally pull away
From all that distracts

And
    finally
        get quiet

Then I weep

Is that why I don't come?
Is that why I stay distracted?
Is there something
    deep down
        not resolved
            that keeps me running?

What is it Lord?
Here I am
I'm trying to come today
    and stay
        not run

I wonder what you might say
I wonder if there will be more
    than tears

I wonder if you might reveal
and give strength

How I need you to change my heart
    make it new
Make it one that leans into  you
That wants to do
    all that is good

For now
Please help me to come
    each day
Keep coming
    keep shutting down the distractions
That I might hear you
    and gain perspective
And know again
    what is real
    what is not

Daily Dying...

Jesus, you ask me to die to self
To die daily
And I don't want to
So I don't

Actually, I forgot that you asked
I heard it, and did it...before
But...got out of the habit
And find
I don't want to...anymore

Actually
(another 'actually')
You didn't "ask"
You required
It's not optional

    for God bought you with a high price. 
    So you must honor God with your body (I Cor. 6:20)

Forgive me Lord
Help me to turn
To live new
Create in me a new heart
One the values what You do
That lives for the eternal
That willing lays itself down

What will I lose...

What will I lose
if I go through this day
(and maybe the next one too)
without stopping
coming
sitting at Your feet
pausing to look
listen
share

Do I really believe
that what You are doing in this world
and in me
is more important than anything else

If it is
then the risk I take
in not coming
is of living
   wasted
   and frustrated
fighting against the wind
engaged in battles that will win nothing I want

I could miss
what You want to say to me today
You, who know all that will happen,
perhaps You have something to say
that I need to know
before I get into it
perhaps You have guidance
to help me navigate better
perhaps You just want to help me be rooted in You
so that no matter what happens
I'm not shaken

How many times do I live 
   agitated
   frustrated
   confused
because I am lacking the perspective and insight and fortitude
You had been all ready to give me

And I will be lost
drifting without an anchor
scattered
fractured
stressing and agitated in every direction
unless I come
and drink 
and learn
from You
that which will calm me
center me

What will I lose
what do I lose
time and again

When will I learn
and choose 
to turn
to come
to sit
still
and listen

By what I gain
I will start to know
the measure I would have lost
had I not come
and gain 
much I do not want to lose

Working Around the Abyss

I need to spend some time with You today Lord, "working around the hole of my pain" (an idea from Nouwen, see below). The pain, the emptiness...it's been calling out to me, with various reminders. And I'm tempted to run, and I've been busying myself in other places distracting myself, but it's always there. I need to come to You with it. I need to look at it, really look. Jesus, can we walk into it together?

We walk toward,
You're holding my hand.
I point
and with tears streaming down my face, look up to You
Here it is Lord
It hurts
So much...

From Henri Nouwen's, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom

Work Around Your Abyss
There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

Sad... and okay

A sadness envelops
At the close of this day
A sadness that is yearning
And processing
And grieving

I've been crying today for the guys
And thankful to have facilitated (Your guiding I think)
A safe place to share
And cry
All of them said
They had never shared like that before
"Didn't know where to find someone to tell," said one

Tears...
Such a valuable part of my journey
And they've been told
Sharing, and tears
Make you weak
How are they so quick to believe us?
Or, maybe they're just okay recognizing they ARE weak
We all are

And I'm crying for other things
So many other things...
It's just how it feels today
And that's okay

I cry before You
And You are here
And if I stop
If I stay
I might actually even feel You here

.....

Related...an excellent article read this week: Quit Burying Your Emptiness in Noise and Activity

From the article:
The silence we need is more than an absence of sound; it’s a break from constant stimulus and activity. It’s about allowing the tangled cords in our spirit and mind to unravel and be stilled. It’s about stopping the constant need to control our surroundings with our actions and words in a never-ending quest to drown out the unrest in our hearts. It’s about facing the dragon of emptiness, loneliness, frustration, anger, hurt, and need head on . . . and doing the soul-wrenching work of letting
Jesus deal with it.

Thirsty--Psalm 84

So...
Those who long
Those who are "thirsty"

Want to just hang out with You
Sit in Your "house,"  never leaving?
I could handle that

But then it also means something else
The thirst seems to be more about journeying
Forever wanting to journey to where You are
And on this journey
This thirst, this hope
Gives them strength

And thirst
Somehow becomes trust
And Your favour comes to these ones...

Does this song...that I came to love at Christmas time...fit here?
Maybe just the two lines
   for all who wait
   for all who hunger...

Thirsty

What does it mean to be "thirsty for God" (the theme for this week's prayer times) ?
I have thought many things

Am I thirsty?
Sometimes it seems I am
But there are days I can spend so little time in conversation with God
And so much time in conversation with others--non-essential conversation

How can I become more thirsty?
Is there a way to cultivate thirst?
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."
"Yes, but you can salt his oats."

What would make me more thirsty for you?
Then I think of how friendships work
The more I spend time with someone, the more I want to spend time with them.
How do I just get spending time?

In some ways I am
And I keep coming back
Please keep drawing me back

Remembering who You are helps make me thirsty
I spent hours on a bus one day
I asked You to help make it a day becoming more thirsty for You
For You to bring me back

And as I turned toward You
(and got some good rest before that too!)
You opened my eyes
You helped me to see
Many thoughts came and went
Living in Your presence
An enjoyable day

I listened to many songs that day
It was my "faithful" playlist
And as I was reminded about who You are
Who I know You are
I sensed my heart-thirst growing

Yep, maybe this is how it's done
In simple little ways
Continuing to turn to You
Turn back to You
Spend time with You
Respond to the thoughts and ideas that come to mind
Spend time talking with you about them

Lord, please continue to cultivate this thirst in me...

How does hope come?

I don't know
I wish I did
I know that on that darkest day a week and a half ago
I cried out, "Don't let Satan win"
And I made it through

I know that I have cried out for help
As I knew I was heading back for more challenge
With no answers evident
And I've cried out again and again
As I see time for decisions looming
Tears finally breaking
The late-night tension

Sometimes I feel
A certain buoyancy has come
Is it because I'm not in it right now?
No urgent deadlines
No one to give answers to
...yet

I wish I knew how hope comes
I wish I knew how to bolster it
Higher and higher so that all is joy
And there is no fear or anxiety

Maybe hope is a little like strength
You give enough
And sometimes it doesn't feel like enough
But I make it
So it was

I wonder what a journey is
I wonder what it all looks like from Your end
Me, here...
Trying to figure out how to live

On one hand I sense an invitation to more boldly live
The me that I am
    Make the decisions
    Point out the problems
    Call the situation
    Suggest a path
Because You've asked me to do this
And maybe there's a reason
You asked me and not somebody else

And yet this me
    Stumbles
    Hurts others
    Finds my best intentions misunderstood
I'm at a loss in how to live
I want to
    Run
    Back away
    Withdraw
    Hide
My engaging as me
Only brings pain
 
With all these problems
Comes another invitation
To humble myself
Learn
Grow

I don't know how to live
Hope comes and goes
I pray that there will
always
    be
       enough

For now, it seems to be growing
For that, I am thankful

I trust there will be enough
And maybe that is the key
My hope is in You
Not in a feeling of hope

Alone

Alone

You are here
You are always here
But I walk alone

And I feel the alone
Deeper than I feel the with You

Drawn

What is this You have done to me?
Done in me?
Tied me in
Roped
Drawn
While I wonder how I can go on
While I feel the pain of the journey
The aloneness
The struggle of not knowing
The pain
And yet
When you ask again,
"Whom shall I send?"
"Who will go for us?"
I find myself weeping again.
And willingly saying,
"Here am I. Send me"
And there is no resisting these ropes
The "chains" are not what holds me

Jan. 26, 2015

Cross or easy yoke? (part 1)

Which is it?
I know it's both
But how can that be?
They are so opposed
How can you, at the same time, require both?
How can, how does... a cross become an easy yoke?

(From reflections on my readings...one day I read a portion of Matt. 10, and there was the call to "take up your cross," and to die daily. The next day I read the end of Matt. 11, where Jesus says to come to Him for rest, and that His yoke is easy.)

Yearning

Today I wake
I start this day
With a yearning
And a grief-like ache

A yearning to do well
A yearning to work hard
To return to You this day
A job well done
Time well spent

I've thought several times
My "conscience" about this "is broken"
It's been over-stretched
Like a spring, pulled beyond its limits
And unable to bounce back
I have become
Unable to judge
Unable to sense
Unable to care


But today
I seem to care again
There's a soberness about it
A motivation
But not that high-strung 'rah-rah let's go' kind
It's mellow
And sober
And...a little afraid

To please You...

So, what would please You?
What would be a fair return
On this day You have given?
This day
Or any day

Not long ago I was thinking
I want another parable
That one didn't work for me
You know the one
Five or two or one talent
Five and two were invested
And got a 100% return
One was buried, and returned zero
All or nothing?
Those the only options?

Was there ever anyone
Who received five
But only invested two or three?
What do You say to that?

I wondered
What if they received five
And didn't really know what to do with it
In the end, some turned out to be poor investments
You say
You gave as they were able
So...they would know?

It often feels like
You gave way more than I can handle
And I don't know where to turn
So I bury
Well...
Don't completely bury
Some is good

Yesterday that question
Do you believe that God is pleased with you?
That He delights in you?
And if He is, how does that change what I think are my responsibilities? 

Are You pleased?
With what?
Anytime?
All day, every day?
No matter what I do?
I doubt it
So...
What does please You?
What would please You?
I think I have some answers
Is it okay to ask for...
More specific?

Bound

Wrestling
Balking
Fighting
At this weight
These chains
These ropes
Wrapped
Twisted
Binding
Uselessness

How am I supposed to do this task
With this ropes so wrapped
Can You not first free
Before requiring action

You asked me to do this thing
Why does it feel like, look like
All my efforts are useless

Will I forever feel
So inadequate
So ill-prepared
So ill-fit
For all that I am to do

Echoing in my head
Song lyrics:
   Have you cursed at the wind
   Have you cried to the heavens
   Have you fought with this mercy you don't understand
I don't know if it's "mercy" I don't understand
But I don't understand
And, yes, I'm crying to the heavens
...and fighting
Struggling...

Perhaps the bonds are of my own making
Perhaps they are chains of my own thinking
Perhaps there is something integral
Related to ME
That has to be cut away
Discarded
Before I can be free
(Like Eustace, stuck in the dragon body...)
I await
Your ripping
Tearing
Cutting
Bringing freedom

Mercy's Rain

Where am I, Lord?
Only You know

I believe, I trust
You are here
Thought it feels like darkness closing in

I resonate with most of this:

   Lord, I know not what I ought to ask of thee; 
   Thou only knowest what I need...
   I simply present myself before thee,
   I open my heart to thee. 
   Behold my needs which I know not myself.
   Smite, or heal;
   Depress me, or raise me up;
   I adore all thy purposes without knowing them;
   I am silent; 
   I offer myself in sacrifice;
   I yield myself to thee;
   I would have no other desire than to accomplish thy Will.
   Teach me to pray. Pray thyself in me. Amen
   --Francois Fenelon

The high demands of following Jesus
Being like Him--in sacrifice, generosity, discipline, etc
(another reading today)
Do not inspire today
Only seem... far beyond my reach

Today I fall on Your mercy
Your grace
Knowing You still receive
Even if all I can do is crawl
Or lay flat on my face

Here
Flat on my face
Rain comes
Your touch soothes

You know where I am
And that is enough