The Invitation

I'm thankful for God's wooing, His calling, His inviting. He continually calls us back to Himself and what is most important.

I was blessed on Monday by Jer. 23:18, 22, NIV.  The context is talking about false prophets, people who are claiming to speak for God. The Lord says,

18 But which of them has stood in the council of the LORD to see or to hear his word? Who has listened and heard his word? ...

22 But if they had stood in my council, they would have proclaimed my words to my people and would have turned them from their evil ways and from their evil deeds.

The invitation to me these days is to stand in the council of the Lord, to spend more time in His presence. The things I do and have to share with others must flow from Him, from being in His council, hearing His direction. And then, maybe my words and actions will really have impact in the lives of those around me.  It's not easy. I'm so distracted. There are so many things that are hard all swimming around in my head. More than anything I need to pour them out before Him and get His perspective, but pouring it out is not easy either.

I'm so thankful for a patient and loving God, who promises to continually lead and guide. He promises. I'm counting on it!

Withdrawal

So this is how it feels
When I back away from the places to which I have run
And let myself feel
The emptiness
The hollowness
The places my life is out of balance and lacking
The distance from You

If I can stand to stay here long enough
I just might start to see clearly
Find my way through
Re-build healthy balance
Learn again to be led by Your voice

Psalm 23

Yesterday, one of my Scripture readings was an old and familiar passage--Psalm 23.

Psalm 23 (NIV)
A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
    he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
    He guides me along the right paths
      for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
      through the darkest valley,
    I will fear no evil,
      for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
      they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
      in the presence of my enemies.
    You anoint my head with oil;
      my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
      all the days of my life,
    and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
      forever.

Yesterday, today, this week, I lean into this again.
Oh Jesus, once again, still, be my Shepherd.
Lead me beside your quiet waters.
Let me soul find rest in green pastures.
Please, restore my weary soul. (Oh, THANK YOU that You will!)
Thank You, that You are guiding me.
Even though I'm not completely sure where I am, You are.
And that is enough.

Grieving for "Hope"

How do I grieve for a dog
How do I get over my sadness about a dog's death
How do I get over the regret for my negligence that made it worse
And the wondering...
   should I have cancelled that meeting,
   tried harder to warm her up
She needed something more intensive
I know that now

I realize...
I have not known death
I have not known grief
And if it hurts this much for a dog
How much more must it hurt for a person

I facilitate grief support groups
I help teens have a place to work through their pain
And they say it helps
But...I have no idea what I'm talking about

That day, I really felt it
The realization that death is awful
We were not meant for death
It is foreign
It is horrible

I didn't want to deal with her body
Touching it
Feeling her cold
Feeling her stiff
   Was so hard
She wasn't supposed to be that way
And she was heavier
(oh, that's where the term "dead weight" comes from)
And I didn't want to be alone picking her up
Putting her into that bag

I thought
If someone else was me
And I was helping them
I could have done it better, easier
But just me
It was so hard

Now, I am still so reminded
I "see" her everywhere
At first it was hearing her barking and whining
(And I realize...all those times I thought she was barking and whining, weren't always her)
And then I see...the things yet to "clean up"
   the towels
   her box outside
   the cardboard bits
   the plant and flower bits
   (that day she was so 'puppyish')
   mopping--suddenly seeing paw prints on the bathroom floor

And then the memories
The way she would walk in circles on her towel before laying down
Day 2--how weak she was, head hanging, almost falling over, falling asleep
How she started to respond, look for me, want to come to me
The last night...wanting to come out, sick, wanting to be close, enjoying her head pat
And most painful, finding her that morning...

I'm so sorry I forgot about the bucket
I didn't know it would be so bad
I wonder how long you were there
What panic it must have been...stuck
How cold it must have been laying there

And that was the last straw
Your already weakened body
A couple of days of diarrhea
Did you eat anything at all that last day?
   Pretty much only your own poop
Too weak
Too cold
Too traumatized
And in the end you died

I didn't think I could come to so care for a puppy!
I didn't think I would so LOVE a puppy, so fast
I didn't think it would hurt this much
I don't understand it at all

And I don't know what my theology regarding animals is
But I find myself hoping I will someday see you in heaven
Where all is made right
Where all is forgiven and understood
I hope you know I tried
I hope you know I'm so sorry that I missed that one all important part!

I wonder how long I'll think about you
I wonder if I'll cry for you for more days than I knew you
I wonder what the deeper meaning is in all of this
Why God had you come into my life
I think I can see part of the picture
But...

Can't You pick someone else?

Why do You entrust so much to me?
Why do You keep giving me so much?
When I continue to waste so much?
Don't You have better stewards?
Don't You have wiser managers?
Don't You have more willing participants in the tasks You assign?

Oh I'm willing for some, for much
But some...I just keep
Showing up late
With my lame excuses
Head hanging
Not looking You in the eye
I don't want to do it
I don't know how to do it
I wish I didn't have to do it
Couldn't You pick someone else for some of these parts?

Why are You so determined that I learn this thing?
Why must You hold my nose to the grindstone?
What are You planning?
What are You looking for?
What is the lesson to be learned?
What is the glory You hope to gain?
...plan to gain?

I keep running
And balking
And falling flat
And You keep giving
Reminding
Blessing

I keep looking at the road
Running around the starting point
Wandering off the side paths
Hanging out on those benches
You keep pointing to the road
Urging action
"Just walk"

Half the Sky

I've never thought of myself as a feminist
Didn't fight for "women's rights"
In fact, somehow thought it "wasn't necessary"
Not anymore

I missed it
For so long I missed seeing
How I was the beneficiary of those who fought
To gain those "rights"
Education for me...not an issue
Twelve years of compulsory education--of course!
A B.A.--no problem
An M.A.--sure...if you want to
And possibilities to study again
Anytime, Anywhere (almost)

But other places in the world
Being a girl
Means, perhaps,
To be thrown away
Left by the side of the road
(ah, these are the merciful parents, hoping someone else will care)
Or killed
Now in Nigeria
And other countries
If you just want to go to school
And you're a girl
Your safety
Your very life may be at risk

God in heaven
Do You love girls
Did You make girls
With beauty
And dignity
And brains
With skills
To be developed
And honed

Why
Throughout the ages
Have the girls been
So limited
So oppressed
And abused

God in heaven
Please have mercy
Look down on Your daughters
Show us how
To love
To rescue
Somehow, protect them

And, forgive us
We have not seen
We have not valued
We have not treasured
We have not stewarded
Made sure they flourished
Made sure they would thrive
We have not loved
Your girls

Moved today by world news, and lack of action. Overwhelmed...not even knowing if there is anything I can do. I can love those who were "thrown away" here, and I do. For those far away, I can pray, and I can learn, and maybe there is more I can do.

Reference:
Bring Back Our Girls
Half the Sky Movement

Who else? What else? Why?

     O Lord, who else or what else can I desire but you? You are my Lord, Lord of my heart, mind, and soul. You know me through and through. In and through you everything that is finds its origin and goal. You embrace all that exists and care for it with divine love and compassion. Why, then, do I keep expecting happiness and satisfaction outside of you? Why do I keep relating to you as one of my many relationships, instead of my only relationship, in which all other ones are grounded? Why do I keep looking for popularity, respect from others, success, acclaim, and sensual pleasures? Why, Lord, is it so hard for me to make you the only one? Why do I keep hesitating to surrender myself totally to you?
     Help me, O Lord, to let my old self die, to let die the thousand big and small ways in which I am still building up my false self and trying to cling to my false desires. Let me be reborn in you and see through you the world in hte right way, so that all my actions, words, and thought can become a hymn of praise to you.
     I need your loving grace to travel on this hard road that leads to the death of my old self and to a new life in and for you. I know and trust that this is the road to freedom.
     Lord, dispel my mistrust and help me become a trusting friend. Amen.
--from A Cry for mercy by Henry J. M. Nouwen

found in:  A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants, p. 149

Here

That's all I am
Just here
Feeling it all 
Feeling in all different directions
Thinking
Wondering
Wanting to stop thinking

So blessed
And so thankful

Hurting
Confused
Hoping
Seeking

Wanting...oh so wanting!
Clarity
Answers
Connection
To be touched
To be held

Oh...
Hold me Jesus
Feed me Jesus

Satisfy
This thirst
This hunger
This wandering
This restless seeking
This floundering

Some things...
Just hurt
"Hurts like crap!"
(Though what on earth crap "hurts" like, how would anyone know?)

And yet there has been such joy
Such satisfaction

Here
In the living
In the feeling
In the thinking
In my every day
Whatever it is
Here I am
And here You are
Loving me
Holding me
Guiding me

And I am held
I am safe
All's okay
Here

Breaking Through

 

This song is on my "morning routine" play list--the one where I remind myself...

It's true. He is. There are so many things He's looking to do. As we lean into what He is leading us to do, He provides. 

And He is doing it here, now, in this place, in my life, all around me. Step by step, plan by plan, He leads, He provides...because He wants to bless. He wants to pour out His love. He wants to redeem and restore. There is so much goodness He wants to share, so much love. There is so much healing He longs to bestow. And so He's doing it...bit by bit, working to pull it together.

Lord, forgive me for all the times I'm so slow to see, slow to remember, slow to believe. Thank you for reminding me today!

I come late...

Lent has now come to an end. Many people have found ways to learn and grow, turn and repent, walk with Jesus to the cross. Though I wrote a post at the beginning of Lent, though I was moved, challenged, felt convicted and thought I would move to change, actually, not much has changed. Now, maybe I'm "getting it" more. Now I'm more inclined to really make change. Yet with this track record...I'm not so sure.

I'm like Peter. Or Peter is like me. Or...I see a likeness, and so I see hope. It took him awhile to "get it" too. Maybe he thought he "got it" the first time--the time Jesus rebuked him (yeah, what a rebuke--when the Son of God calls you "Satan"--you've been told!), for disagreeing on the crucifixion plan. (Do you ever win, when you disagree with Jesus?) But he disagreed again--Jesus knew he would deny, knew he would walk away, but he...thought he knew himself better. And as Jesus faced the cross, he faced himself, and in the days that followed, lived out his repentance.

Forty days of Lent are over. I missed it. I missed out. Today many are remembering His death, and moving towards resurrection. For me, today brings a new opportunity, the blessing of a new spiritual practice, and a 40 day opportunity that can correspond. Today I begin my 40 days, thankful for renewed hope, grace and mercy, fresh starts.


From Aug. 30, 2013, Journey with Jesus--being Peter, told he would deny

You come gently
   yet firmly
You demand I must see
   two realities:
     my sin
     and Your unfailing love for me, regardless of my sin

Throwing away eggs...one at a time...

I'm having a terrible time with something, and I think I need to find a discipline that will work for me, that will cause me to feel it, and CHANGE.

My problem, I keep running from focus on my work, to other internet surfing, chatting, etc. It's not bad stuff, it's just not the most effective stuff, and it is definitely not the most key priorities that God has called me to. He has entrusted to me precious time, and I fritter it away, and I keep doing it.

In one of those teaching messages by Dallas Willard I referred to earlier (I think it was #9--about church communities), he gives an example of a man who said he couldn't stop himself from raising his voice in discussion with his son (and wife too maybe)...it just happened, and it would escalate. Willard said, "Yes you can," just decide that every time you raise your voice that way you donate $5,000.00 to your wife's favourite charity, and the next time it happens, raise it by another $5,000.00. (This guy was in a situation where he had the kind of funds to do that sort of thing.) The point being--if he did this, he would start to feel the impact, become more aware, and change can happen.

So, me...I was thinking, I could have a plan...every time I go online when I shouldn't I could add X number of dollars to a fund to donate to something. But, that would have a conflicting effect for me because, well, it's GOOD to give more away, so...yeah, "sin more and give more." No! That's not the point!

But here is what would work. I'm going to buy a flat of eggs. And every time I go online when I shouldn't, I'm going to go and smash one of those eggs and throw it down the toilet. I will have a really hard time doing that. (Do you know, after coming here, and knowing people are hungry, and don't have enough money for good nutrition--I can no longer even have, for example, relay races with eggs on spoons, or anything else that wastes food.) It will be hard, but I think I need to do it. Only then might I finally realize more deeply what I'm doing when I waste this time.

Ah, it's horrible how I do this. Some reading this might remember my car accident last year, and how I knew this was the same lesson God was trying to teach me--how much I waste, how much of the resources given I waste through negligence, how much time I waste. And still, it hasn't gotten in.

A new spiritual discipline: throwing away eggs.

To be a disciple, make disciples...

Am I a disciple?
Does what I teach, share and live before others others have a tendency to result in them being disciples?

For the first question: I thought I was, I thought I was intending to be one. And then I realized I really was NOT changing.  In the end, I'm not sure I really knew what that meant. I say, "Dallas Willard saved my life," my Christian life, that is--about nine years ago, picked up his book The Divine Conspiracy, flipping through, felt hope...and that was a turning point in my life.

About the second question: I realized what I was taught growing up, was really way off, it ignored much of the teaching of Scripture, especially how to live life in the kingdom now. Definitely a "believe these things about Jesus and then you'll get to heaven when you die" "gospel" that was preached. A non-accurate "gospel." (By the way, in session 5 I believe, he talks about realizing some of the same things himself--when a young minister, realizing what he was teaching wasn't changing lives. He tells about the truths that "saved his faith.")

In the past couple of weeks I've been in discussion about this author/speaker/philosopher, and heard about this video series, I've been listening again, and loving it! His manner and explanations are so inviting, calling me to godliness and goodness.

I truly thank God for, in this time in history, leading this man, leading me to that book when I was crying out for help, and leading me into a new life.

It's a 12 part series--here is part 1. Enjoy!

Let this be my LIFE

⁴ The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom,
    so that I know how to comfort the weary.
Morning by morning he wakens me
    and opens my understanding to his will.
⁵ The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me,
    and I have listened.
    I have not rebelled or turned away.
Isa. 50:4-5, NLT

Where?

This is what I was asking
Where am I today Lord
Who am I
And...where are You

Where have I gone
Where have I been
How did I get there
But really, most important
How do I get back

Back...to...
Connected
To You

"Lost" seems a good way to describe this feeling
Uncertain
Unsure

Have I so lost myself in my many distractions
That I've lost complete sight of You
Gone too far away to hear Your voice
To know Your whisper

What I need most is Your perspective on life
Your eyes to see
Your ears
Your heart
To know Your love for me
And Your instruction
To know "we're good"

But I can't tell
I can't hear

Still, there was this sense
I don't like this feeling
But after all this time
I still know
No matter how it feels
You are still carrying me
And...that's kind of nice

And then I remembered
Jesus, they were spitting on Your face
and there You were, loving them
Only someone with a love like that,
Can I trust to love me to the end

And then I read
Ps. 32:10-11 (NIV) 

¹⁰ Many are the woes of the wicked,

    but the Lord’s unfailing love
    surrounds the one who trusts in him.

¹¹ Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;
    sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Rom. 8:31-39 (NIV)

 ³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ...³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And then I knew

To my question, "Where am I?"

Your answer

    I'm in the middle of Your love,

    You are surrounding me

    Holding me

These struggles don't mean I'm away from Your love

In fact,

You are interceding for me in them

Thank You!