I've followed You
I've believed in You
And I've trusted You
With my life
With my choices
Almost all of my life
And yet
I am only learning to trust You now
Exposed
here I am LORD
a little fragile
a little vulnerable
open and exposed
I've shared my life my soul
it was well-received
and gently cared for
yet now I am alone
and
yearning
a little fearful
doubting
the let down
leaves me vulnerable
a little needy
I turn to You
my only rock
my only companion
through this life
hold me LORD
I'm here
held in your loving arms
Thank you friends who share your lives with me, and let me share my life and heart with you too.
a little fragile
a little vulnerable
open and exposed
I've shared my life my soul
it was well-received
and gently cared for
yet now I am alone
and
yearning
a little fearful
doubting
the let down
leaves me vulnerable
a little needy
I turn to You
my only rock
my only companion
through this life
hold me LORD
I'm here
held in your loving arms
Thank you friends who share your lives with me, and let me share my life and heart with you too.
Surrender
Here I am LORD
Broken before You
My heart
Exposed
Committed
Surrendered
I want no other life
This heart
Exposed
Quivering
Moved and shaken
Nervously anticipating
Trying not to fear
So moved
It has to follow
And lay down all
With joy
And some dread
Of the cost
The price
Yet
Still knowing
Someday
All costs will count
As nothing
Forever Reaching
forever reaching
forever yearning
but never touching
never crossing
this impasse
this divide
this wall
forever yearning
but never touching
never crossing
this impasse
this divide
this wall
Review of "Outlive Your Life" by Max Lucado
In 
Outlive Your Live, Max Lucado challenges the reader to live to make a difference in their world. Good, challenging, except I felt like I was already coming from the other side of this. This book seems to be written to the complacent church-goer in North America, the ones that aren't involved, haven't yet been inspired to do more with their lives--more than just live for themselves. I know many who are NOT complacent, already involved in great things. And I myself was already inspired with this idea years ago--30 or more perhaps, and have sought to spend my life in ways that would "outlive my life".
Outlive Your Live, Max Lucado challenges the reader to live to make a difference in their world. Good, challenging, except I felt like I was already coming from the other side of this. This book seems to be written to the complacent church-goer in North America, the ones that aren't involved, haven't yet been inspired to do more with their lives--more than just live for themselves. I know many who are NOT complacent, already involved in great things. And I myself was already inspired with this idea years ago--30 or more perhaps, and have sought to spend my life in ways that would "outlive my life".
So, from that perspective, I personally found the book lacking, and maybe a little simplistic. Main beef here is that while Lucado gives great inspiration for living and doing more, there is not an appreciation of the complexity and difficulty of truly engaging in something that will make a long-term difference.
Did the author hold my attention? Not really. I read 2/3 of the book close to when I first received, but then put it down for a long time--maybe it is where I am, or was wanting something that he wasn't trying to give--motivation and help and ideas to KEEP outliving my life when the outliving gets hard.
Still, there were some inspiring bits. I have really enjoyed Max Lucado's writing at times, but then I get tired of the style. I thought I might like to read one of his books again, but in the end I didn't even finish this one.
I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
What if...
What if
I had not gone through
All that pain last year
What if
I had not been so hit
That I had to fight
And struggle
And cry out
And finally climb out
Of the confusion
Being so enmeshed
If I hadn't gone through last year's
Would I be standing strong
And thinking clearly now
Would I be able to help others see
As all the responsibility
Now falls on them
If I hadn't gone through
And been pulled free
I'd be punching the tar-baby now
Lost and confused
Maybe I'm starting to see...
I had not gone through
All that pain last year
What if
I had not been so hit
That I had to fight
And struggle
And cry out
And finally climb out
Of the confusion
Being so enmeshed
If I hadn't gone through last year's
Would I be standing strong
And thinking clearly now
Would I be able to help others see
As all the responsibility
Now falls on them
If I hadn't gone through
And been pulled free
I'd be punching the tar-baby now
Lost and confused
Maybe I'm starting to see...
Not alone
I realized today, toward the end of our Journey with Jesus discussion, that I have sense of being abandoned by God and alone in life. For some reason, every attempt to work with others here has not resulted in a long-term good scenario...I've often wondered if I'm doing something wrong. Or, is this just the way God planned it for me? If so, it would be easier to know--like the prophets were sometimes told.
But God does not usually tell me as much as I'd like to know.
As I pondered, I realized there are so many ways in which I have NOT been left alone.
Financially--I, and staff, and students and all the costs related to the project--have been cared for throughout these years.
As I think about how my views about faith have changed...I'm so glad that the year I realized I had changed and wondered what that would mean going home to my home church--and realized--they had changed too. Half a world a part, not much connected, and yet we had been on parallel journeys, and those who had bee close spiritual companions earlier, still were. For many it doesn't happen that way.
These are just a few...
But God does not usually tell me as much as I'd like to know.
As I pondered, I realized there are so many ways in which I have NOT been left alone.
Financially--I, and staff, and students and all the costs related to the project--have been cared for throughout these years.
As I think about how my views about faith have changed...I'm so glad that the year I realized I had changed and wondered what that would mean going home to my home church--and realized--they had changed too. Half a world a part, not much connected, and yet we had been on parallel journeys, and those who had bee close spiritual companions earlier, still were. For many it doesn't happen that way.
These are just a few...
God, You have been with me, in so many ways I can see,
and probably in so many ways I cannot see.
Help me to grow in this.
May the head knowledge
become deep transforming assurance and peace.
I am not alone.
I never have been.
You are here.
You are beside me.
You are with me.
Laziness
"Over-activity, over-work, and over-involvement are each a cover-up for laziness at the center"
(Sunder Krishnan quoting a book written by Eugene Peterson)
The laziness of not seeking Christ, staying to listen to Him, hearing from Him. I am too often way too lazy.
(Sunder Krishnan quoting a book written by Eugene Peterson)
The laziness of not seeking Christ, staying to listen to Him, hearing from Him. I am too often way too lazy.
Strong enough
I must be pretty strong then
Some people say I am
I don't feel very strong
Pretty weak
Pretty lost
Pretty helpless
Not strong
But You have made me
Strong enough
Resilient enough
I have survived
I'm still here
I still have hope
And dreams yet to fulfill
How does it go?
"Hard pressed...
But not crushed
Perplexed
But not in despair
Persecuted
But not abandoned
Struck down
But not destroyed"
I don't feel strong
But You have made me
Strong enough
So...
What do You want with me LORD?
What's next?
I see no path getting easier
I see no lighter load
Yet
With tears streaming down my face
I want no other road
There is something up ahead
Something that will make it worth it
You do not promise ease
Or comfort
Or even that I'll know I'm on the right path
Only that You will be with me
And make me
Strong enough
What a Wrestle...
What a wrestle it's been this week Lord
Thank You for more of a sense of peace...finally
What a wrestle to trust
to believe
to actually, really rely
To believe that You are watching over me
That all will be okay
To rely on Your unfailing love
And have it actually affect my emotions
And the way I work
I so crave
clarity
direction
reliable outcomes
And when they are nowhere in sight
I go CRAZY
Can I really believe that you are watching over
to rescue
to deliver
in love
Can I learn to work like you do
in faithfulness
(reflections from life, and hanging out in Psalm 33 for 2 weeks)
Thank You for more of a sense of peace...finally
What a wrestle to trust
to believe
to actually, really rely
To believe that You are watching over me
That all will be okay
To rely on Your unfailing love
And have it actually affect my emotions
And the way I work
I so crave
clarity
direction
reliable outcomes
And when they are nowhere in sight
I go CRAZY
Can I really believe that you are watching over
to rescue
to deliver
in love
Can I learn to work like you do
in faithfulness
(reflections from life, and hanging out in Psalm 33 for 2 weeks)
I want to want You
O God, I have tasted Your goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of furthergrace, I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want You; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Your glory, I pray You, that so I may know You indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow You up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Prayer at the end of chapter 1 of A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God, with "Thee's" and "Thou's" changed to "You" and "Your"
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Prayer at the end of chapter 1 of A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God, with "Thee's" and "Thou's" changed to "You" and "Your"
For You Alone Jesus
An opportunity to prove, service is for you alone.
I had spent a few hours, preparing for their session. Then the leader of the group said he wasn't coming, but the others were. That was disheartening.
Okay, oh well. Father, may it bless them, these young lives.
I had spent a few hours, preparing for their session. Then the leader of the group said he wasn't coming, but the others were. That was disheartening.
Okay, oh well. Father, may it bless them, these young lives.
I, too, run...
They do it all the time
run from life
the hard choices
a painful past
regrets
apologizing
admitting
She
a few weeks ago
finally had the courage to admit
been sleeping with her boyfriend for a year and a half
and knows she shouldn't
and wants to stop
but doesn't want to stop
and now
is running
not showing up at things
He
in grade 10 didn't want to attend the grief group
could vaguely mention that not having a dad was hard
but couldn't really admit it
now, grade 12
he's finally stood in front of a group and admitted
it's hard
he's often lied when others ask
it's painful
and he doesn't know what to do
maybe soon he'll be ready to stop running
And I encourage them to
face it
admit it
recognize the pain
own your responsibility
make the right choices
don't run
and yet that they do
makes sense
we all do
and it especially makes sense
when you're a teenager
or you don't yet know a God
who will walk you through
be with you
as you turn and face reality
but
I, too, run...
Me
25 years their senior
knowing the You that will be with me through EVERYTHING
I run
it's pathetic
I run from the responsibilities
the never-ending unknowing
the waiting
the complexity
the intensity
the lack of intensity
the questions with no quick-coming answers
the fears
...that I'm wrong
...that I might push her away
...that I haven't done enough or prayed enough
...that You won't meet me when I come to talk about it
This life of faith is hard
and hard in ways I did not expect
I wanted hard
but I didn't think it would look like this
so I find my ways to run
instead of trust
and own
and ask
and wait for You
Let this be my stopping
my turning back
my wrestling to the ground
Teach me God
to fully embrace this life You give
every part
to own it
and know it as good
run from life
the hard choices
a painful past
regrets
apologizing
admitting
She
a few weeks ago
finally had the courage to admit
been sleeping with her boyfriend for a year and a half
and knows she shouldn't
and wants to stop
but doesn't want to stop
and now
is running
not showing up at things
He
in grade 10 didn't want to attend the grief group
could vaguely mention that not having a dad was hard
but couldn't really admit it
now, grade 12
he's finally stood in front of a group and admitted
it's hard
he's often lied when others ask
it's painful
and he doesn't know what to do
maybe soon he'll be ready to stop running
And I encourage them to
face it
admit it
recognize the pain
own your responsibility
make the right choices
don't run
and yet that they do
makes sense
we all do
and it especially makes sense
when you're a teenager
or you don't yet know a God
who will walk you through
be with you
as you turn and face reality
but
I, too, run...
Me
25 years their senior
knowing the You that will be with me through EVERYTHING
I run
it's pathetic
I run from the responsibilities
the never-ending unknowing
the waiting
the complexity
the intensity
the lack of intensity
the questions with no quick-coming answers
the fears
...that I'm wrong
...that I might push her away
...that I haven't done enough or prayed enough
...that You won't meet me when I come to talk about it
This life of faith is hard
and hard in ways I did not expect
I wanted hard
but I didn't think it would look like this
so I find my ways to run
instead of trust
and own
and ask
and wait for You
Let this be my stopping
my turning back
my wrestling to the ground
Teach me God
to fully embrace this life You give
every part
to own it
and know it as good
Oh little boy...
Oh little boy
I love to see
Every time your mommy posts
Photos
You
So full of life
and joy
your face
always so
Expectant
For you
Life is good
You know love
Every day
you soak
You bask
In the love and joy others have for you
And turn it right back
The world is here to bless you
To help you grow
To bring you joy
There is no fear of pain on your face
There is no holding back
No suspicion
No doubting of motives
No wondering if there is something else
After the fun and the joy
I love to see your face
Yet I cringe
Someday you will start to taste
Another side
You'll find
Life is not always good
Sometimes you expect the good
and get slapped across the face
Sometimes, it's hard to hope
hard to be so
Expectant
What will happen then
Will you lose your joy
Will your face fall
Will you carry a protective layer
Will your eyes harbour suspicion
If that happpens
You will have lost so much
There is a truth you know deep down now
May you know it deep down then too
You can hope
There is good
You are safe
You are loved
Now your parents show you
But soon even they won't be able to
Then may your Father know you
And may you know Him
And trust Him
And
In spite of the pain
And possible disappointments
Live
Expectant!
I love to see
Every time your mommy posts
Photos
You
So full of life
and joy
your face
always so
Expectant
For you
Life is good
You know love
Every day
you soak
You bask
In the love and joy others have for you
And turn it right back
The world is here to bless you
To help you grow
To bring you joy
There is no fear of pain on your face
There is no holding back
No suspicion
No doubting of motives
No wondering if there is something else
After the fun and the joy
I love to see your face
Yet I cringe
Someday you will start to taste
Another side
You'll find
Life is not always good
Sometimes you expect the good
and get slapped across the face
Sometimes, it's hard to hope
hard to be so
Expectant
What will happen then
Will you lose your joy
Will your face fall
Will you carry a protective layer
Will your eyes harbour suspicion
If that happpens
You will have lost so much
There is a truth you know deep down now
May you know it deep down then too
You can hope
There is good
You are safe
You are loved
Now your parents show you
But soon even they won't be able to
Then may your Father know you
And may you know Him
And trust Him
And
In spite of the pain
And possible disappointments
Live
Expectant!
I'd rather wash feet...
I was eager to serve, I love to serve, I can easily serve too much and for wrong motives. I work in a serving profession. I generally joyfully serve. So what's there to learn, right?
No, I didn't go into it that glibly, or that naively this week. I knew there would be lots to learn...there always is...
Some of the tasks of this week are service that I gladly take on.
In fact, I can't think of any task that I don't want to take on.
But what I'm finding is a complete and utter inability to serve well.
It's not I don't like the task, I do.
It's not that I don't think the other needs serving, they do.
It's not that I don't want to, I do.
I just keep stumbling at it.
I guess I stumble over myself.
My selfishness and impatience gets in the way.
I start out wanting to serve and bless,
And end up irritated and frustrated.
It's not about the task.
It seems, there is something wrong with my heart
At a very core level
That I cannot seem to reach
I'd do better washing feet
(well, at least for a day or two...)
(*The painting--hangs on my living room wall--a gift from a dear friend, an original...and a great reminder. No faces in the picture. So...just who is washing feet? It is not limited.)
Two Boys
Two boys
Same grade
Same grief group
Both lost dad to suicide
Both saw dad's body not too long after the fact
One found the body hanging
One saw him shortly after the stabbing, blood everywhere
...details that were never shared in the grief group
Two guys
I
Watched them suffer
Watched them lost
Watched them hurt
Watched them and yearned...
Now...both...adopted into new family
A new Dad
Reaching out
Healing
Oh...Thank You Father
For reaching out to them
God...there is still a third boy
From that grade
From that grief group
When I think back to that group
The thing I remember most is the one time
The third boy
His small voice
Confessing loss and hurt
Will he come too
Will he know You
Will he join the family
Your great big family
Of hope and healing
And boys... coming home
(Wow...just heard about one of these guys today...weeping as I write this... the things that grab a heart! The tears shed before, the prayers prayed, now...seeing them answered, step by step. Maybe 4 years from now I'll hear news about people I hurt and wept and prayed for last year...)
Same grade
Same grief group
Both lost dad to suicide
Both saw dad's body not too long after the fact
One found the body hanging
One saw him shortly after the stabbing, blood everywhere
...details that were never shared in the grief group
Two guys
I
Watched them suffer
Watched them lost
Watched them hurt
Watched them and yearned...
Now...both...adopted into new family
A new Dad
Reaching out
Healing
Oh...Thank You Father
For reaching out to them
God...there is still a third boy
From that grade
From that grief group
When I think back to that group
The thing I remember most is the one time
The third boy
His small voice
Confessing loss and hurt
Will he come too
Will he know You
Will he join the family
Your great big family
Of hope and healing
And boys... coming home
(Wow...just heard about one of these guys today...weeping as I write this... the things that grab a heart! The tears shed before, the prayers prayed, now...seeing them answered, step by step. Maybe 4 years from now I'll hear news about people I hurt and wept and prayed for last year...)
Non-Christians better than Christians
This is a sad one, but I do agree, and I'm seeing it now.
Someone else said this. I was recommending one of our former students to his program in his city. He trains university students to do youth programs, and then then run them in the junior and senior high schools--communication, anger management, etc. And I said, "He's not a Christian," thinking maybe that he may only take on believers. "That's okay he said, some non-Christians are better than Christians."
Yeah, I know.
We're teaching a program this term--my colleague is not a believer, but wow, she is a neat person. And ever since she started working here she has been willing to grow and learn. She is so engaged, it has been such a pleasure planning and teaching the program with her. She engages, and facilitates--adds her thoughts even if it is someone else teaching and it might get changed a bit later.
We last taught it two and a half years ago. At the time my partner in the project was a "Christian", but how many times did he seem to be engaged, only to drop the ball, not follow through. Finally he totally backed out of helping with the preparation.
What about me?
Yeah, what about me.
In some things I do pretty well, my colleagues would point out areas in which I've grown. But I sure have been showing up late to a lot of meetings lately. I know there is at least one person that notices, and it bothers him.
What about me...
To be faithful...
To grow, and change.
It's important.
Someone else said this. I was recommending one of our former students to his program in his city. He trains university students to do youth programs, and then then run them in the junior and senior high schools--communication, anger management, etc. And I said, "He's not a Christian," thinking maybe that he may only take on believers. "That's okay he said, some non-Christians are better than Christians."
Yeah, I know.
We're teaching a program this term--my colleague is not a believer, but wow, she is a neat person. And ever since she started working here she has been willing to grow and learn. She is so engaged, it has been such a pleasure planning and teaching the program with her. She engages, and facilitates--adds her thoughts even if it is someone else teaching and it might get changed a bit later.
We last taught it two and a half years ago. At the time my partner in the project was a "Christian", but how many times did he seem to be engaged, only to drop the ball, not follow through. Finally he totally backed out of helping with the preparation.
What about me?
Yeah, what about me.
In some things I do pretty well, my colleagues would point out areas in which I've grown. But I sure have been showing up late to a lot of meetings lately. I know there is at least one person that notices, and it bothers him.
What about me...
To be faithful...
To grow, and change.
It's important.
Can You meet him?
Please meet him Lord
I don't even know if he's Yours
Maybe
But he feels distant
Distant
But maybe in a place to learn and grow again
He called tonight
Wanted to know what I thought he should do
He's lacking courage, he says
Afraid of everything
I thinking he's lacking reason, motivation
Reason and hope big enough to make it worth it
Although far from you
He still has his Bible
Still takes it on his travels I guess
Right there by his bed
I told him to read Joshua 1
How you told Joshua he should be courageous
And WHY he could
Lord, help him to see it
Help him to dare to reach out to You again
And believe
And, as he reads
Can You do something special?
Can You meet him there?
Can You do that thing You are really good at...
where it just comes alive
And the truth in the Book resonates
As truth inside a heart
Help him get it Lord
Thank You for bringing him to this place
More willing to be weak, to admit his weakness
Lead him to healing Lord
Fill up the emptiness
This is Your will
Do it for him please..
In Jesus' name
This is my prayer
(This guy...another one, whose dad died when he was young. Now his mom is gone somewhere else, remarried, and he is lost.)
I don't even know if he's Yours
Maybe
But he feels distant
Distant
But maybe in a place to learn and grow again
He called tonight
Wanted to know what I thought he should do
He's lacking courage, he says
Afraid of everything
I thinking he's lacking reason, motivation
Reason and hope big enough to make it worth it
Although far from you
He still has his Bible
Still takes it on his travels I guess
Right there by his bed
I told him to read Joshua 1
How you told Joshua he should be courageous
And WHY he could
Lord, help him to see it
Help him to dare to reach out to You again
And believe
And, as he reads
Can You do something special?
Can You meet him there?
Can You do that thing You are really good at...
where it just comes alive
And the truth in the Book resonates
As truth inside a heart
Help him get it Lord
Thank You for bringing him to this place
More willing to be weak, to admit his weakness
Lead him to healing Lord
Fill up the emptiness
This is Your will
Do it for him please..
In Jesus' name
This is my prayer
(This guy...another one, whose dad died when he was young. Now his mom is gone somewhere else, remarried, and he is lost.)
Bring me back
Please bring me back LORD
Help me return
To rhythm
Rhythm and connection
A rhythm of getting up for time with You
Seeking you first before anything else
Seeking
And really connecting
Not allowing myself this frantic running around
And busyness
The busyness may come
And interfere for a time
But it has been long enough now
And now it is time
To get back
LORD, show me again, still
How to stop
Where to spend my time this week
And may I reserve much time to
Speak with You
Ask YOUR advice on so many things
And listen
Really listen
Long and deep
Bring me back Lord
To rhythm and connection
A rhythm that keeps me connected to YOU
Nothing else really matters
Anything else is useless
There will be no fruit from anything else
No lasting fruit
May I remember
And believe
And DO
Help me return
To rhythm
Rhythm and connection
A rhythm of getting up for time with You
Seeking you first before anything else
Seeking
And really connecting
Not allowing myself this frantic running around
And busyness
The busyness may come
And interfere for a time
But it has been long enough now
And now it is time
To get back
LORD, show me again, still
How to stop
Where to spend my time this week
And may I reserve much time to
Speak with You
Ask YOUR advice on so many things
And listen
Really listen
Long and deep
Bring me back Lord
To rhythm and connection
A rhythm that keeps me connected to YOU
Nothing else really matters
Anything else is useless
There will be no fruit from anything else
No lasting fruit
May I remember
And believe
And DO
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