The difference between Your grace and mine is...
mine is measured.
So glad yours isn't.
Teach me, change me...to be like You.
Oh God, I am so not like you!
how do You do it?
how do You give so much grace?
constantly pouring it out, on those so undeserving
we're barely even thankful you know
or maybe very thankful today
but in a day or two will have forgotten the wonder
a sinner forgiven
granted new life
free, to rise again
and hope
and it bugs me
oh not totally
I do marvel
and am full of joy at the free hope
but it also bugs me
where do they get off so being light and free
when I'm still weeping over what they've done
so many conversations
so many topics
are a bloody reminder
of the pain
the cost
it's like I want to see them free
but still tied down a little
where is the cure for a heart like mine?
how do You give so much grace?
constantly pouring it out, on those so undeserving
we're barely even thankful you know
or maybe very thankful today
but in a day or two will have forgotten the wonder
a sinner forgiven
granted new life
free, to rise again
and hope
and it bugs me
oh not totally
I do marvel
and am full of joy at the free hope
but it also bugs me
where do they get off so being light and free
when I'm still weeping over what they've done
so many conversations
so many topics
are a bloody reminder
of the pain
the cost
it's like I want to see them free
but still tied down a little
where is the cure for a heart like mine?
How do I install a 1-day delay?
I need this installed on my mouth! Ah... It's terrible. So many times I say my first thought, and it is negative and not helpful. I regret what I have said. I so understand the line where Jabez prayed "May I not cause pain". The times I don't say it, I am so thankful, because later, in my thinking, I have seen so many other things, the good side of a situation. Oh, if only every time I opened my mouth I started there.
I must change. I must grow in this. Otherwise, I will always continue to cause so much pain. I just do not want to live like that. THEY do not want, or deserve, for me to live like that.
Sometimes I wonder if there is even hope. But I cannot give up. Maybe as I continue to be aware and act...I will eventually learn. There is an event on Saturday. I know I will see things that could be better, but I need to NOT say anything that day--during, or after--not say anything until later, when I see it from a more balanced perspective. But I know, during that time, I will feel such an URGENCY to say things, I will think it is SO IMPORTANT. I have wondered if I shouldn't go.
When will my presence be a constant blessing and encouragement for those that work with me?
I really don't know how to live.
Lord help!
I must change. I must grow in this. Otherwise, I will always continue to cause so much pain. I just do not want to live like that. THEY do not want, or deserve, for me to live like that.
Sometimes I wonder if there is even hope. But I cannot give up. Maybe as I continue to be aware and act...I will eventually learn. There is an event on Saturday. I know I will see things that could be better, but I need to NOT say anything that day--during, or after--not say anything until later, when I see it from a more balanced perspective. But I know, during that time, I will feel such an URGENCY to say things, I will think it is SO IMPORTANT. I have wondered if I shouldn't go.
When will my presence be a constant blessing and encouragement for those that work with me?
I really don't know how to live.
Lord help!
Reflecting
Posted on my wall is a quote:
"Refuse to use hurry as an excuse to live an unexamined life."
These days... there are so many things to examine and reflect on. Feel like I could use an unhurried MONTH to examine...
"Refuse to use hurry as an excuse to live an unexamined life."
These days... there are so many things to examine and reflect on. Feel like I could use an unhurried MONTH to examine...
Living Free
How and when will I get to the place where I'm living free--where my actions and words consistently lift myself and others to the freedom we were meant to live--to that full and abundant life?
At Best
At best we are beggars
grovelling at your feet of mercy
Oh, but You don't like to see grovelling
So
time and again
You
lift us up, and give us a place to stand
Head hanging, we stand
Lost
Wondering
if there is any usefulness yet to come from this life
this so often straying heart
This heart...so drawn to wander
but so drawn to come back
And the knowing
knowing there is ALWAYS a way back
and a welcome
This I know about You
There is always a welcome
You
always "so ready to forgive"
Glory be, to the God of our yesterdays, the God who is here today, and as tomorrow comes, will still remain faithful, still be offering His love, healing, forgiveness, hope and strength to go on.
(Ps. 86.5, 'God of our Yesterdays' Matt Redman)
grovelling at your feet of mercy
Oh, but You don't like to see grovelling
So
time and again
You
lift us up, and give us a place to stand
Head hanging, we stand
Lost
Wondering
if there is any usefulness yet to come from this life
this so often straying heart
This heart...so drawn to wander
but so drawn to come back
And the knowing
knowing there is ALWAYS a way back
and a welcome
This I know about You
There is always a welcome
You
always "so ready to forgive"
Glory be, to the God of our yesterdays, the God who is here today, and as tomorrow comes, will still remain faithful, still be offering His love, healing, forgiveness, hope and strength to go on.
(Ps. 86.5, 'God of our Yesterdays' Matt Redman)
Cringe
"I just like to stay pretty much connected all the time"--a fellow traveller in an airport waiting room. Cringe. "Why?" I thought, feeling, and imagining the life getting sucked out of me.
"Tour Europe--5 countries in 8 days"--advertisement in a travel agency. Cringe. Who would want to? What would you actually get out of that? What would you enjoy? Wouldn't it be almost arrogant to then feel like you had actually seen the countries? What would be the benefit of rushing by everything? How exhausting!
I feel things differently than I used to. I'm so much more aware of the toll on my mind and heart. I think I'm learning to live different as a result, but I still need to practice.
Leighton Ford's The Attentive Life: Discerning God's Presence in All Things speaks to what I am more trying to emulate now. He says, "I no longer regard it as a compliment if someone says, 'Leighton can do three things at one time.' Instead I take it as a rueful reminder: do one thing at a time, slow down, take time to breathe, to pray, to remember what has just happened with gratitude (or regret), to prepare my heart and mind for what comes next instead of rushing ahead with an overstuffed mind."
Cost: Feeling like I am disappointing people, feeling guilty that I am not giving all I can or helping as much as I should.
Benefit: Presence--being able to be really present with people when I am there, and more present to God and what He is doing in and around me, more clear that I am responding to His voice rather than just my own compulsions.
"Tour Europe--5 countries in 8 days"--advertisement in a travel agency. Cringe. Who would want to? What would you actually get out of that? What would you enjoy? Wouldn't it be almost arrogant to then feel like you had actually seen the countries? What would be the benefit of rushing by everything? How exhausting!
I feel things differently than I used to. I'm so much more aware of the toll on my mind and heart. I think I'm learning to live different as a result, but I still need to practice.
Leighton Ford's The Attentive Life: Discerning God's Presence in All Things speaks to what I am more trying to emulate now. He says, "I no longer regard it as a compliment if someone says, 'Leighton can do three things at one time.' Instead I take it as a rueful reminder: do one thing at a time, slow down, take time to breathe, to pray, to remember what has just happened with gratitude (or regret), to prepare my heart and mind for what comes next instead of rushing ahead with an overstuffed mind."
Cost: Feeling like I am disappointing people, feeling guilty that I am not giving all I can or helping as much as I should.
Benefit: Presence--being able to be really present with people when I am there, and more present to God and what He is doing in and around me, more clear that I am responding to His voice rather than just my own compulsions.
What if...
What if we lived with absolutely no pretense
What if there was never any 'spin'
never ... ever!
What if we were truly humble
all of the time
What if there were absolutely no secrets
nothing hidden ... ever!
What if we always and regularly confessed
all of our sins ... to each other
What if this was the church
We we be so free
We could dance
We could cry
There would be hope
We could actually change
What if there was never any 'spin'
never ... ever!
What if we were truly humble
all of the time
What if there were absolutely no secrets
nothing hidden ... ever!
What if we always and regularly confessed
all of our sins ... to each other
What if this was the church
We we be so free
We could dance
We could cry
There would be hope
We could actually change
Living Wide Open
I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
–Dawna Markova
This poem struck me when I first read it on someone's blog, it grabbed me when I read it again today. Yes, even though I've been feeling like 'my heart's been ripped out of me' in recent weeks, I choose not to step back, recoil, stop loving, stop trusting. I must, and I will, continue to risk. Interesting how energizing it feels, to make this choice, and choose to view events this way.
Christmas Eve, Then and Now
"Then" was Mary, Joseph and Jesus, in a stable. "Now" is me in an airport. How similar? How different?
We're all on a journey, spending the night away from home in less than comfortable surroundings. Glad I'm not nine months pregnant--giving birth in such a place, and thankful that the smell here is quite...normal--no barn smells. Although I'm pretty exhausted, the rigours that have caused mine are different from theirs.
They didn't seem to complain, at least we don't hear about it. I haven't been complaining either. Kind of used to this routine. Perhaps we've all learned to trust God as the one over and above our circumstances...well, sometimes I can trust Him this way.
Mary, travelled accompanied by her loving husband, in the company of other travellers in similar situations, and in the presence of God...inside of her. I wonder if she felt like she was in the presence of God. No husband here. I am in the company of others whose flights have been delayed. I, too, travel in the presence of God, though I have had virtually no 'inspiring thoughts' or meaningful impulses. As much as I had wanted to enjoy advent meditations, and be moved and reflective, jetlag and a head cold have dulled all such thoughts. No sense of connection with God, being led by Him, or what He might be saying to me this day, at this season.
As they travelled was it in the awareness of the great purpose they were to fulfill, or just because they had to? They were aware of part of the purpose of their situation. Did they remember the Bethlehem part of the prophecies? Or did they fulfill important purposes just in the living and doing what needed to be done each day? My purpose in this trip is not nearly as grand as theirs, but theirs was for them and mine is for me. I'm aware of some of the purpose, but wonder if there might be more that I don't know.
We're all on a journey, spending the night away from home in less than comfortable surroundings. Glad I'm not nine months pregnant--giving birth in such a place, and thankful that the smell here is quite...normal--no barn smells. Although I'm pretty exhausted, the rigours that have caused mine are different from theirs.
They didn't seem to complain, at least we don't hear about it. I haven't been complaining either. Kind of used to this routine. Perhaps we've all learned to trust God as the one over and above our circumstances...well, sometimes I can trust Him this way.
Mary, travelled accompanied by her loving husband, in the company of other travellers in similar situations, and in the presence of God...inside of her. I wonder if she felt like she was in the presence of God. No husband here. I am in the company of others whose flights have been delayed. I, too, travel in the presence of God, though I have had virtually no 'inspiring thoughts' or meaningful impulses. As much as I had wanted to enjoy advent meditations, and be moved and reflective, jetlag and a head cold have dulled all such thoughts. No sense of connection with God, being led by Him, or what He might be saying to me this day, at this season.
As they travelled was it in the awareness of the great purpose they were to fulfill, or just because they had to? They were aware of part of the purpose of their situation. Did they remember the Bethlehem part of the prophecies? Or did they fulfill important purposes just in the living and doing what needed to be done each day? My purpose in this trip is not nearly as grand as theirs, but theirs was for them and mine is for me. I'm aware of some of the purpose, but wonder if there might be more that I don't know.
Wishing for Extremes
Oh how I wish the answer to how to live could be found living in the extremes. This trying to figure out and then live the delicate middle is so hard--I'm so doomed to failure.
So long in this Country
I've lived in this country so long, practically all my life. I often don't really know how strange, how odd, its customs are for others. To me, some are just so basic. So...the other day I was talking to someone, and I couldn't believe it. He didn't know that we should stand up for the weak and oppressed. He didn't know that if a child was being beaten (as in violence, in anger, not restrained and limited discipline) that someone else should come to the rescue and it's a shame when no one does. Earlier we had been walking along, and he was surprised that I was noticing others around me. "And you didn't?" I said, "That woman...she was walking along crying before she turned into that house. That other woman who was shouting as the man was trying to pull her into the car..."
A few weeks ago I realized--I've been so long in this country, enjoying its benefits, that I think I take them for granted, forgetting to be grateful--to live in grace, and love, to know that there is new mercy and new strength for each day. May I never take it for granted.
And still, for as long as I've been here, and as much as the culture is part of me, there is still much that is strange, much that is not yet fully my own. While I live in such grace, I extend it as freely as it has come to me. While I am learning to understand and appreciate that the best and most real work happening within me is slow, and even though others cannot see it, it counts, and IS progress. Yet I can be so impatient with others and their battles--shouldn't they just grow faster!
The longer I live here, though, the more I like it. Love it really! The life is so much more extraordinarily free, and full, than I could have ever hoped or imagined. The options are numerous. The emotions encompass the heights and the depths. And I love that there is always HOPE--for me, for others--no matter what has happened, there is always the hope of a new life and a better future.
In this Kingdom, with this King...where else would I rather be? Except ... finally ... maybe ... a little closer.
A few weeks ago I realized--I've been so long in this country, enjoying its benefits, that I think I take them for granted, forgetting to be grateful--to live in grace, and love, to know that there is new mercy and new strength for each day. May I never take it for granted.
And still, for as long as I've been here, and as much as the culture is part of me, there is still much that is strange, much that is not yet fully my own. While I live in such grace, I extend it as freely as it has come to me. While I am learning to understand and appreciate that the best and most real work happening within me is slow, and even though others cannot see it, it counts, and IS progress. Yet I can be so impatient with others and their battles--shouldn't they just grow faster!
The longer I live here, though, the more I like it. Love it really! The life is so much more extraordinarily free, and full, than I could have ever hoped or imagined. The options are numerous. The emotions encompass the heights and the depths. And I love that there is always HOPE--for me, for others--no matter what has happened, there is always the hope of a new life and a better future.
In this Kingdom, with this King...where else would I rather be? Except ... finally ... maybe ... a little closer.
Stopped…by the sound of children
Busy… anxious… intent on getting lots done
Frustrated … by all the stupid silly obstacles that keep coming up
Can’t figure out how to work better
Can’t figure out…
“oh oh… hi hi… ah ah…”
Another email. Done. Yay
Website updated. Yay
Great, I’m getting things done today.
“hi hi …. oh oh…”
I stop, open the window… look down and enjoy
Five and six year olds just out of school
walking home, backpacks on their backs
and singing…
“hi hi… ho ho…”
I don’t know what they are singing…
actually there is just one that is
but it’s beautiful
carefree
and I could be too
I could smile
I could saunter down the road
“hi hi… ho ho… ah ah…”
Who cares what else is going on
Doesn’t matter the load that is on my plate
The sun is shining
Good God up in heaven has everything under His control
And He loves me
He enjoys me
Help me to stop and enjoy this day, this life You’ve given.
Hope Rising
Today the new season starts. It's a new semester for students starting school. It's the time when I plan and adjust my and our daily and weekly schedule, trying to figure out what needs adjusting, what are the priorities, and how it will all fit together.
It's a time that can be really overwhelming, and hard, and this time even more so as so much seems up in the air. One pretty vital staff member is leaving. Financing and planning for the students is needing to change. Our office is needing some gifts and abilities that I don't have, and don't know how train for. It could be a pretty overwhelming time.
Yet today, I sense hope rising. I put my trust in God's unfailing love and faithfulness. He knows. He has brought me and us to this point now. I'm thankful that He is calling me to spend a lot more time with Him and learning from Him, and at the same has me in circumstances where I cannot forget that I desperately need Him. He will direct and lead. He will give insight for the rhythms of life that need to be in place to keep me hearing in His presence. He will give ideas, maybe even very fresh ones, that meet the needs. He will strengthen me for the work of each day, for it pleases Him to make me stong. And I can joyfully walk in the light of His presence each day.
Happy are those who hear the joyful call to worship,
for they will walk in the light of your presence, LORD.
They rejoice all day long in your wonderful reputation.
They exult in your righteousness.
You are their glorious strength.
It pleases you to make us strong.
Yes, our protection comes from the LORD,
and he, the Holy One of Israel, has given us our king.
Ps 89:15-18 NLT
It's a time that can be really overwhelming, and hard, and this time even more so as so much seems up in the air. One pretty vital staff member is leaving. Financing and planning for the students is needing to change. Our office is needing some gifts and abilities that I don't have, and don't know how train for. It could be a pretty overwhelming time.
Yet today, I sense hope rising. I put my trust in God's unfailing love and faithfulness. He knows. He has brought me and us to this point now. I'm thankful that He is calling me to spend a lot more time with Him and learning from Him, and at the same has me in circumstances where I cannot forget that I desperately need Him. He will direct and lead. He will give insight for the rhythms of life that need to be in place to keep me hearing in His presence. He will give ideas, maybe even very fresh ones, that meet the needs. He will strengthen me for the work of each day, for it pleases Him to make me stong. And I can joyfully walk in the light of His presence each day.
for they will walk in the light of your presence, LORD.
They rejoice all day long in your wonderful reputation.
They exult in your righteousness.
You are their glorious strength.
It pleases you to make us strong.
Yes, our protection comes from the LORD,
and he, the Holy One of Israel, has given us our king.
Ps 89:15-18 NLT
Street Food
It's one of the great delights of life, and of travel--the miscellaneous morsels sold by street vendors that you can pick up for a song as you walk about. Where I live it's the rolled noodle lunches in the summer and the barbeque (on a stick) all year--tofu skin, cabbage, potatoes, pork, all barbequed, and then with their pickled salad on top--mmm!! Well, the description does is not nearly as great as the reality! In Hong Kong, it's a tradition to stop and buy the egg balls. Now, in Thailand, I'm enjoying the fruit--pineapple and mango especially. The other day I had a roasted banana, cut in pieces and on a stick, with a lite caramel sauce--all for about 15 cents CAD. A noodles or wonton breakfast was less than a dollar, and fresh squeezed orange juice about 30 cents. The barbequed chicken really smells good too.
Ah, simple pleasures in this life we live.
(Oh, btw, you might want to keep some charcoal (medicinal kind) on hand in case you wake up in the night with your stomach feeling a little odd--take 2 or 3 and you'll be good to go, enjoying street food again the next day.)
Ah, simple pleasures in this life we live.
(Oh, btw, you might want to keep some charcoal (medicinal kind) on hand in case you wake up in the night with your stomach feeling a little odd--take 2 or 3 and you'll be good to go, enjoying street food again the next day.)
Danger
"There is no greater proof in the world of our spiritual danger than the reluctance which most people always have and all people sometimes have to pray; so weary of their length, so glad when they are done, so clever to excuse and neglect their opportunity. Yet prayer is nothing but desiring God to give us the greatest and best things we can have and that can make us happy. It is a work so easy, so honorable, and to so great a purpose, that (except in the incarnation of His Son) God has never given us a greater argument of His willingness to have us saved and our unwillingness to accept it, of His goodness and our gracelessness, of His infinite condescension and our folly, than by rewarding so easy a duty with such great blessings."
Jeremy Taylor, quoted in The Divine Hours: Prayers for Autumn and Wintertime, p. 648
Jeremy Taylor, quoted in The Divine Hours: Prayers for Autumn and Wintertime, p. 648
Old Lady Dreams
I'm starting to get over the shock of being 38. (Actually, I think what it really is about is how close that number is to 40.) It surprised me the way I was thinking about it actually, especially when in this country you answer with your 'next' age long before your actual birthday. I've been saying, "I'm 38 this year," for months!
Anyway, I have now decided to turn my brain in another direction. I'm now thinking about what kind of old lady I want to be, should I have the opportunity to become one.
Earlier in the year I said, "I want to be a spunky old lady!" I still say that.
At someone's blog (I forget whose) I read about him attending a funeral of an elderly man who had been a mentor and inspiration to him many years earlier, but they had lived in different places in recent years. Someone else, though, who had kept up with the older man, commented that he had never stopped learning and growing, and his relationship with the Father was always fresh, right up to the end. I want to be like that. If I make it to the 80's or even 90's, I want to be always learning--from books, from other people of all ages, from God.
And, I want to be an old lady that blesses and encourages, not hurts and tears down, with her words.
That's enough for now. I've got years of work and 'being changed' to do to work on that last one alone.
Will let you know if I have any more old lady dreams. Maybe pursuit of the my old lady dream will stop me from being so shocked at the numbers as they go by, and not so tempted to get to "39 and holding."
Hmmm...I think I'm also going to have to come up with some "Coffin Dreams."
Anyway, I have now decided to turn my brain in another direction. I'm now thinking about what kind of old lady I want to be, should I have the opportunity to become one.
Earlier in the year I said, "I want to be a spunky old lady!" I still say that.
At someone's blog (I forget whose) I read about him attending a funeral of an elderly man who had been a mentor and inspiration to him many years earlier, but they had lived in different places in recent years. Someone else, though, who had kept up with the older man, commented that he had never stopped learning and growing, and his relationship with the Father was always fresh, right up to the end. I want to be like that. If I make it to the 80's or even 90's, I want to be always learning--from books, from other people of all ages, from God.
And, I want to be an old lady that blesses and encourages, not hurts and tears down, with her words.
That's enough for now. I've got years of work and 'being changed' to do to work on that last one alone.
Will let you know if I have any more old lady dreams. Maybe pursuit of the my old lady dream will stop me from being so shocked at the numbers as they go by, and not so tempted to get to "39 and holding."
Hmmm...I think I'm also going to have to come up with some "Coffin Dreams."
I Wanted To Visit
I wanted to visit you Jesus, really, I did. You said I should, and it's the one thing I've not done in that list. But when the opportunity came, I didn't. And yet I think it was right. You are in prison, and I didn't visit you. I could have tried, but it seemed best not to. See... if I visit you now, then later I might not be able to comfort your kids, and you gave them to me first. I'm not sure the kids understand. I hope they do. I think you do.
Why so Snarly?
I wish I was different, better. I wish what was in me, and comes out more easily under stress and when tired, looked better when it reveals itself. Different people, different surroundings, a different schedule and different pressures...have revealed the same old ME. Impatience (a little stretching and testing shouldn't be a problem). Irritability and pride (so what if they doubt me at every turn, does it really matter?)
I noticed some others this week too. Two couples--one--the words, the attitudes, not really what I imagine a lifetime of following should look like. Oh they were basically nice and kind, but there were those strained times...the kind I know about. Are those areas given over to Him? Can He grow them?
The other couple--I was inspired! In so many little ways, I could see the real LIFE in them and through them. The way they talked with each other, the grace and joy and laughter for easy conversation with those they knew and strangers they were meeting. Although at least in their 7th decade, they were so relevant. Yes, this is, I think, what it means to have a life transformed by Jesus. This is the life I want for myself.
This couple gives me hope.
This couple shows the way.
Yet they also show the cost.
Am I willing, to change my life and schedule, to such a degree that He has full access to me, so that the refining can really happen in earnest?
I noticed some others this week too. Two couples--one--the words, the attitudes, not really what I imagine a lifetime of following should look like. Oh they were basically nice and kind, but there were those strained times...the kind I know about. Are those areas given over to Him? Can He grow them?
The other couple--I was inspired! In so many little ways, I could see the real LIFE in them and through them. The way they talked with each other, the grace and joy and laughter for easy conversation with those they knew and strangers they were meeting. Although at least in their 7th decade, they were so relevant. Yes, this is, I think, what it means to have a life transformed by Jesus. This is the life I want for myself.
This couple gives me hope.
This couple shows the way.
Yet they also show the cost.
Am I willing, to change my life and schedule, to such a degree that He has full access to me, so that the refining can really happen in earnest?
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