Don't Follow Me (Remembering the Journey)

(Remembering the Journey--written July, 2012)

I too have lost my way
I thought I knew where I was going
I thought this would be good
for you
for me
but now I am not so sure
so
don't follow me
I need to leave you
to go
find my way again
I'm not sure
I know how to navigate the trail
you should find
better guides
I must leave you now
at least for a time
if I find
my step does not so falter
perhaps I can come back
and once again
walk together


--this one--written for whom? Perhaps the sister I was mentoring, perhaps all those I was supposed to be leading, but realizing the need to first do a better job of leading myself before I had any right, any authority to speak to others.  With all the tension that was there, and some differences of opinion...I was questioning my own judgement...needed to back away. The apprehensions regarding sister and situations she was in, proved to be more wise than not...


"Remembering the Journey"--posts discovered in 'drafts'. Posted now for me to remember...remember the journey...where we have been, where He has brought me...

Pilgrimage...the long hard work of The Way

     "This is, of course, the imperative and the appeal of pilgrimage: to change over the course of a journey. As the landscape approaches and then disappears, the traveller confronts his hopes and fears, his questions and doubts . . . and then leaves them behind as he walks, it is hoped, into a place of enlightenment and welcome.

    Walking on the Camino de Santiago in Spain...I saw and experienced firsthand the power of the pilgrim path. At the beginning of the journey, many of my fellow pilgrims carried huge rucksacks stacked high and bulging with the necessities of travel, with foam cushions and sleeping bags, teddy bears, tin cups, and extra clothing, flags, and all sorts of bric-a-brac dangling from their massive backpacks.

    As the trail wound through mountains and hills, across arid plains and stretches of wilderness ...and as the days bled into weeks, those same overstuffed packs tended to lose their bulk. Near the top of one particularly challenging mountain a day or two from journey's end, I came upon a veritable cairn of T-shirts and waterproofs, paperback books, socks, trousers, bedrolls, and--yes--those teddy bears and tin cups. Labouring up the mountain with my fellow pilgrims, one weary foot in front of another, it was clear that the sense of adventure with which we had all started out had now turned into something else altogether. We were all on the, el camino--but some of us were also, clearly, on The Way.

    And the road was growing difficult. Everything unnecessary had to be jettisoned. Everything that hindered, that held back, that weighed down and encumbered--it all had to go.
   
 Entering Santiago, I observed triumphant pilgrims walking or dragging themselves into the city with flaccid packs, a few carrying only what they had stood up in that morning: a hat, a stick, a bottle of water stuck in a pocket. Everything else had been cast aside in order to complete the journey.
    
    The destination was important, to be sure; the path was not an aimless wandering...But it was the journey itself, the physical act of going, that transformed the pilgrims. For if there was to be any transformation in the spiritual orientation of the pilgrim's soul, that change would take place not on arrival as if by magic, but in the long, hard work of The Way."

--from "On the Road Again", an essay by Stephen Lawhead (appears at the end of The Spirit Well)


What needs to go?
What is holding me back, encumbering me?
What must be cast aside in order to complete the journey? 


A related, sermon by Gordon T. Smith:  Are you a tourist or pilgrim?

If I do nothing else... (Remembering the Journey)

(Remembering the Journey--written September 2012)

I guess it has finally come, that point of desperation where one thing really does become priority over everything else.  Other things can slide, actually making this one thing look like a joke too..

And not much else IS happening.

If I do nothing else, I must come into Your presence.
If I do nothing else, at least I must come to know You, to listen to You.
I may get burned up in the process
May get smacked good
May find myself so lost...not doing other things is so irresponsible
But yet maybe it has to go that way...let go of all, even to the point of being irresponsible
So that what gets picked up again later
Is in it's right place
Is there because it truly IS something I should do
Truly IS my responsibility
And not just one of a billion things
That become the busyness that drowns


"Remembering the Journey"--posts discovered in 'drafts'. Posted now for me to remember...remember the journey...where we have been, where He has brought me...

Can I trust my life to God? (Remembering the Journey)

(Remembering the Journey--written August 11, 2012)

God
Can I trust that You love me
Can I trust that You are on my side
that it is good
and for my good
even if You are disciplining me
Trying to show me better ways to live

I keep getting so mad
So frustrated
"but..." "but..."
What if they...
What about that...it was so wrong
It hurt so much
What if
What if it happens again

Can I really just lay it all down
Leave myself open and vulnerable
and love

If only I could lose sight of self
Of caring whether or not I 
   get it right
   make a contribution
   am useful

It means laying down
All hopes and dreams
All plans
All direction
All expectation of outcomes
All hopes for friendship
Allies for the journey


And it means
The risk of 
being so lost
so unsure
even more than I already am


If somehow I could know You
If I could be really close to You
I think I could do it
I think it could happen
I think I could know that freedom

And maybe even learn to love
Despite pain

I really don't know how You did it Jesus
Please show me


"I don't even know how to be Christian." That's one thought that went through my head not long ago. The most basic and essential stuff, like LOVE--I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to love. Lots of times I don't even want to love, except at a cerebral level that still, somehow allows me to pray "God, help me to want to want to love" and the "Please, pour out Your love into my heart" (hey, there is hope there--He does say that He does this)--only God can enable me to love like He does.

And I think this is about trust too. Can I really trust my life to God? Oh I know I can and I will and I do, and I've been here many times before and made the decision to trust. But I'm here again, realizing ways I need to trust.


"Remembering the Journey"--posts discovered in 'drafts'. Posted now for me to remember...remember the journey...where we have been, where He has brought me...

How much will I lose? (Remembering the Journey)

(Remembering the Journey--written July-August, 2012)

If I lose heart
How much will be lost?

How much will I lose?
And how shall I regain
That which is lost?

Would I be the only one to lose?
Would others?

And how much would that hurt?
What would be the cost?

If I crash
Where would I fall?
Would I survive?
How much pain?
Would there be anyone to pick up the pieces?

I don't think this is what You meant when You said,
"Anyone who loses his life will find it"
But just maybe it is part of the process

Maybe the better question is: 
How can I not lose heart?

-----------------------

I drafted most of the above in the past week or two, wrestling with some realities and struggles. Today (Aug. 5, 2012) I listened again (perhaps my fourth time to listen to this message) to Bill Hybel's 2011 Global Leadership Summit "Holy Discontent" message.  He tells us to find what "wrecks" us, and then do something about it, because it is probably "wrecking" God too. But there is the need to be careful, need to do self-leadership really carefully, because what "wrecks" us, can really wreck us, we can burn out, it can die, we could give up, and what a loss that would be.

What do I need to do, to keep myself from losing heart?  This is the question I have been pondering much. I desperately need to learn to better lead myself.

"Remembering the Journey"--posts discovered in 'drafts'. Posted now for me to remember...remember the journey...where we have been, where He has brought me...

Those who know Your name (Remembering the Journey)

(Remembering the Journey--written Aug. 9, 2012)

And those who know your name put their trust in you,

for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. Ps. 9:10

You will not forsake me now
You will not forsake me ever

I seek You
I try to learn to put my trust in You

I wish You seemed closer
I wish I could hear
I wish I had some glimpse of the purpose
I wish


"Remembering the Journey"--posts discovered in 'drafts'. Posted now for me to remember...remember the journey...where we have been, where He has brought me...

Maybe (Remembering the Journey)

(Remembering the Journey--written Aug. 5, 2012)

Maybe it's just the same thing again
Just me needing
Once again 
to learn to regain joy

Not sure why this happens
Maybe I was just 
Born on the ornery side
the pessimistic
the negative
and the 'oh how can this be?' side

Or maybe it is the opposite
I somehow thought it would all be easy
That relationships and life 
Would all work out quite simply

But, like I said, "again"
I've been here before
2007, notably...then a line in a book rocked my world
Taught me to look for God's kingdom here and now
In the struggle
Not after getting through it
To ask to experience 
The fullness of God 
In my life now
Not just endurance to get through

But...I haven't been doing that lately
I had forgotten
That You are here
In the midst of the struggle
I've not trusted You
To show a way through
With joy and strength for each day
So I haven't fully turned to You
Throughout each day
I've run
To distractions
That fill time, 
And fill my mind
And help me to not think
And yet do not satisfy


"Remembering the Journey"--posts discovered in 'drafts'. Posted now for me to remember...remember the journey...where we have been, where He has brought me...

Chastised

"O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you?  ... 'If you can'! All things are possible for one who believes." (Mk. 9:19, 23)

"...you are anxious and troubled about many things, but only one thing is necessary..." (Lk. 10:41-42)


I believe. Help my unbelief.

I come. I sit...seeking that "one thing."

Thanks Aunt Annie!

There you are, 50.5 (+ 9 days!) ahead of me, and I just want to tell you that I'm glad to have you in my life! I'm thankful to, for all these years, be able to keep looking ahead to where you are, ahead of me. 

Thank you for letting a twenty something punk come and ask you questions. (Do you remember that? "I have these dreams sometimes--is it God speaking?") Thank you for making the surprise trip just as I was about to go across the pond, to show up at the party, with your pictures and stories, and show me the place to which I was going. (We're are still pretty amazed that, at 71, when conditions where what they were then, you did that trip!) And through the years--you've been one of the most consistent responders when I write--sometimes gently reminding to watch for dangers (and the need to H.A.L.T.), but often with some very poignant and powerful words that show me just how much you understand. I still wish there was a book with the parts that you didn't include in yours :o) ...but I do understand your reasoning on that, and I probably wouldn't know how to find a way to write it either.

This week you turned 94. Do you know, you're one of the people that make up my "old lady dreams"? (I hope those words don't offend--where I live it's considered a good thing to get to be "old".) Years ago, I thought I would die young, but then I realized I may not, and I realized that living faithfully and joyfully over many years is really tough. Some people live it well. Some don't. If the Lord gives me many years, when I get closer to where you are, I hope I live it a lot like you do--reaching out to others, choosing thankfulness over complaining. Maybe there will be some punk 50 years younger that I can encourage. I hope I'll still be relevant to someone 50 years younger, like you are to me!

You have been for me one who does what Rosalind Goforth talks about in this poem (I think she wrote it...in her book Climbing). Thank you for "Calling Back".

CALL BACK!

If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back;
'Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track;
And if, perchance, Faith's light is dim, because the oil is low,
Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.

Call back, and tell me that He went with you into the storm;
Call back, and say He kept you when the forest's roots were torn;
That when the heavens thundered and the earthquake shook the hill,
He bore you up and held you where the very air was still.

O friend, call back and tell me, for I cannot see your face;
They say it glows with triumph, and your feet bound in the race;
But there are mists between us, and my spirit eyes are dim,
And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.

But if you'll say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry,
And if you'll say He saw you through the night's sin-darkened sky
If you have gone a little way ahead, O friend, call back
'Twill cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track.
- Selected


And...since you liked and recommended to me the other Getty's song (even though I'd already been listening to it those days--but what a cool "someone gets it" moment!), I post this one for you--the one with her singing--so you can lip read! ;o)

When trials come no longer fear
For in the pain our God draws near
To fire a faith worth more than gold
And there His faithfulness is told
And there His faithfulness is told

Within the night I know Your peace
The breath of God brings strength to me
And new each morning mercy flows
As treasures of the darkness grow
As treasures of the darkness grow

I turn to Wisdom not my own
For every battle You have known
My confidence will rest in You 

Your love endures Your ways are good
Your love endures Your ways are good

When I am weary with the cost
I see the triumph of the cross
So in it's shadow I shall run
Till You complete the work begun
Till You complete the work begun

One day all things will be made new
I'll see the hope You called me to
And in your kingdom paved with gold
I'll praise your faithfulness of old
I'll praise your faithfulness of old

May you continue to know the Lord's presence through the trials you encounter. May you know His strength giving you endurance. May you know His grace and love, both with you each day, and enabling you to continue to reach out to others.

Fathers and the Fatherless, part 3

And a repost--of what I wrote for Father's Day 2011

This Father's Day 
I find myself thankful, and wondering

I'm thankful for what I received
or rather, for who received me
when I came into this world

I had a dad who
loved me
treasured me
was proud of me
supported me
shared life wide open--
joys and struggles,
fears and frustrations
there were celebrations and confessions
and lots of wrestling

He taught me to do right, no matter what
and to confess when I was wrong
for that was the best way
when my heart was hurting
when struggles threaten to overwhelm
so often it was my dad with whom I'd want to share my heart
for hurting hearts, are handled gently in his hands

My dad showed me what a Heavenly Father's love is like
strong and powerful, boundaries for our good
and yet such a refuge when we are weak and failing
he made it easy to receive and follow and love God
even when I don't understand Him and need to wrestle

And yet I wonder why...
Why? 
I'm sorry, I don't know why I did not quite see this so well before
With so many dads who abuse, abdicate, neglect, run
leaving so much brokenness in their path
why did I get a dad who did none of those things? 
why did I get so much, when I came into this world?

I don't know why
and somehow almost feel guilty
I'm thankful for my dad
And broken and weeping for all those whose dads are missing
or turned betrayers or...

This comes with a prayer for the world, 
and a prayer for fathers
May there be more men, 
who realize the impact of who they are
who love and treasure their children
who give the next generation 
a place to stand, a voice, a confidence, 
courage to do right and live well, 
and a place where it's okay to fall and fail, 
and always
lots and lots of love.

Thank you Dad, for who you are, for always faithfully seeking to be the best dad you can be, for taking that responsibility so seriously, as a trust from your Father. I love you. 

I didn't realize how lucky I was until I lived among many where it was so different. And today's reading of "A Father's Day Wish" also helped trigger these thoughts. 

 

Fathers and the Fatherless, part 2

How many guys here do I know that are fatherless? And how many times does that mean they lose their mother too?  How does a guy grow up and know how to live, if his father doesn't teach him?  Where does he go to ask the questions about life?  How does healing come? Will healing come? For most of the ones I know locally, their father died. For others I know in other places, their father left.

Awesome it is when someone steps into a life and offers love and counsel and direction, and even changes the trajectory of a someone's life. It happened for Donald Miller (To Own a Dragon, later re-published as something else). My brother and his wife are doing it doing it for two amazing little boys. I get excited when I hear about mentoring projects matching fatherless boys to men who can reach out to them.

There is One who has a special compassion for the fatherless, and says He will be father to the fatherless... "Father of the fatherless, come down and rescue us, we need you again"

Fathers and the Fatherless, part 1

"To live with father hunger is to live with the sadness of what will never be. Perhaps the worst thing about this rejection is living with the knowledge that someone has chosen to turn his back on you. Someone has chosen to leave you. Someone has determined your value and decided you are not worth having around--or that he would be better off someplace else, without you." (Fatherless Generation: Redeeming the Story... p. 19)

Jesus... (part 2)

I love this man
I've never seen anyone like Him
Other teachers
    inspire awe
    and distance
For some reason
    He draws people close
    no one is afraid to come
    and no one leaves shamed
Except those who come
    to show Him up
    who come in pride
But those who come
    with need
    and shame
He gently lifts
    and helps
    and heals
They leave
    with confidence
    joy
    hope
    heads lifted
    purpose in their step
Jesus, I want to be like You

Jesus... (part 1)

Who is this man, who comes out of nowhere
and gives me back my life?
(Lk. 7:11-17)

"Daughter, be encouraged, your faith has made you well."
(Mt. 9:18-26)

They don't even see me, I'm an "issue" to resolve
You see my need, the real pain.
(Mt. 12:1-14)

They only see the external
I'm not good enough for them...past choices, abilities...past noticing
Yet You walk by, see me, and invite me to follow,
You invite Yourself into my life, just as it is.
Dignity restored.
Courage to follow,
whether or not they approve.
(Mk. 2:13-17)

You come to me in my fear, and uncertainty
and say, "I am with you in this."
(Mk. 6:45-52)

These two things I hold

Two Realities

One...this huge, incredible, great vision
Isa. 58, this place, the plans You have

The other...the impossibility of the situation
My weakness, lack of resources, more crumbling than building
And no idea how to put things back together
Waiting

I realized
I now have enough experience of Your faithfulness
That I could probably go a pretty long time
Hanging in this limbo
Persevering
Walking through fog
Under overcast skies
No clarity

But You probably don't yet have enough experience of mine
My faithfulness...diligently each day, each moment
Doing the boring, mundane thing that is before me

May I grow in faithfulness
Be proved faithful

For when it's hard...

The watches of the night (Kristyn Getty)
I look towards the wintering trees
To hush my fretful soul
As they rise to face the icy sky
And hold fast beneath the snow
Their rings grow wide, their roots go deep
That they might hold their height
And stand like valiant soldiers
Through the watches of the night

No human shoulder ever bears
The weight of all the world
But hearts can sink beneath the ache
Of trouble's sudden surge
Yet far beyond full knowing
There's a strong unsleeping light
That reaches round to hold me
Through the watches of the night

I have cried upon the steps that seem
Too steep for me to climb
And I've prayed against a burden
I did not want to be mine
But here I am and this is where
You're calling me to fight
And You I will remember
Through the watches of the night
You I will remember
Through the watches of the night


Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer  (Keith & Kristyn Getty)
Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

Chorus
May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.