On Saturday night we had a huge meeting with all of our sponsored students--around eighty of them. We reviewed some of the highlights of our programing, went over the purpose, rewarded and recognized those who had invested, succeeded and grown, and rolled out the plans for this term. It was an exciting time. It's been a long time since we've been able to gather everyone together at the same time in the same room--good to be in our new place!
As staff, we were excited about the involvement of the students. "Some of them really trust us!" one said. They went ahead and checked boxes, signing up for activities without going to read the description. And I felt the same thing about the twelve who signed up for our newest activity--one for those in the higher levels. I don't even have it all worked out yet! There were no dates on the calendar for them to write down--but just with hearing the vision, that it would be flexible to their schedule, and that they'd be able to complete some parts over Spring Festival and after they graduate next year, twelve signed up.
But there was something else we were also feeling. Later one staff member said what she felt up at the front there--the incredible need to keep growing herself.
I know the feeling. I was feeling it in my heart too, but perhaps differently than she was. There I was calling students to the front--commending their stories of growing in honesty and courage. There I was telling students about programs in which we examine our own lives, learn to lead our selves, face and deal with the issues of our heart, character, and personality.
And there I was knowing there are so many things I am still working on. Sometimes it seems there isn't time, I let some of them slide. Sometimes I want to run and hide, not face them. Sometimes...
But I cannot NOT go forward. I must learn to lead myself. I must learn to live a life "that renews the life of God" in me. I must live with a sensitive heart--sensitive to the Spirit of God, and sensitive to the signals that something is not right--within or with someone else. And I must continually do the work of making things right with others--learning to understand, listen, apologize, forgive. There are some things on this list right now. I must create time and space in my schedule for the work that is needed.
(written about two weeks ago)
Good enough?
Don't think I'm going to be able to be good enough for them
But, do I have Your approval LORD?
Have I heard Your voice?
Am I listening daily to hear?
Do I know You?
Have You led me to this point?
Can I trust that You really do direct me daily?
Sometimes a shake-up is good
To re-ask the questions
To re-confirm
To re-discover
if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing
working in the way that I should be working
Hard sometimes
To be confortable with the disapproval of others
And yet I never want to be too comfortable with it
not listening to what I might learn from them
There is much to be learned,
and much truth in the criticism
Above all
I must learn to know Your voice
Everything must be filtered through how You see it
What is Your truth
What is Your truth about me?
And what is the truth about You?
You...
Full of unfailing love and compassion
You...always looking to heal and restore
You...able to make all things new
Even if the truth about me is really bad
It is not beyond You
Not bigger than You
You are still a safe refuge
In You there is always hope
No matter how it seems
You can, and are working to fulfill Your good purposes
in and through me
But, do I have Your approval LORD?
Have I heard Your voice?
Am I listening daily to hear?
Do I know You?
Have You led me to this point?
Can I trust that You really do direct me daily?
Sometimes a shake-up is good
To re-ask the questions
To re-confirm
To re-discover
if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing
working in the way that I should be working
Hard sometimes
To be confortable with the disapproval of others
And yet I never want to be too comfortable with it
not listening to what I might learn from them
There is much to be learned,
and much truth in the criticism
Above all
I must learn to know Your voice
Everything must be filtered through how You see it
What is Your truth
What is Your truth about me?
And what is the truth about You?
You...
Full of unfailing love and compassion
You...always looking to heal and restore
You...able to make all things new
Even if the truth about me is really bad
It is not beyond You
Not bigger than You
You are still a safe refuge
In You there is always hope
No matter how it seems
You can, and are working to fulfill Your good purposes
in and through me
Dark clouds hover
The weather matches my heart these days
Don't like this sadness,
This ache that just ... stays
But I will move on
Eventually
Hopefully I'll forget
And I'll choose to praise
And believe
Behind the clouds
There really is a sun
And there is a God
Who carries
I Choose...
I choose...
to put my hope in You today LORD
Thank you that no one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame
I choose...
to trust in You with all my heart
and lean not on my own understanding
Thank You, You will and You do direct my paths
I choose...
to dwell on the good
to remember the joys
to turn my heart and mind away from
doubts
fears
cynicism about others
I choose...
to capture the negative thoughts
to stop them
to recognize
in so many ways
my memories of the pain, the brokenness and the evil
stop me from seeing and enjoying the good, the delight, the experience
that is here in the now
You came to give
life to the full
May I rejoice and delight
in every single bit
of life and fullness
that I see around me
I choose freedom
I choose love
I choose forgiveness
I choose to acknowledge dignity
I choose to laugh
I choose to sing
I choose delight
I choose hope
I choose praise
I choose to give thanks
Thank You, good God, Thank You!
Thank You, good God, Thank You!
Hurtin...
This hurt
This pain
Jesus...only You can fill me
Heal me
This hurt
This disappointment
Not getting what I so desperately wanted
Or
Realizing what I thought was there
Didn't really exist after all
Was it wrong to want
To share the journey
To enjoy companionship in the struggle
I thought we were
I thought that's where we were going
Did I put too much hope in human relationships
Wanting filled what only You can fill?
Maybe
And yet You designed us for community
So
Not completely
I thought we were sharing life
I was sharing...
But it didn't come back
Or maybe just not the way I wanted
Was I hoping and asking for too much?
That feeling of being left hanging
Again
It feels like
Rejection
Not worthy
Not good enough
Being duped
Used
Misled
Then abandoned
It hurts
I turn to You
This pain
Jesus...only You can fill me
Heal me
This hurt
This disappointment
Not getting what I so desperately wanted
Or
Realizing what I thought was there
Didn't really exist after all
Was it wrong to want
To share the journey
To enjoy companionship in the struggle
I thought we were
I thought that's where we were going
Did I put too much hope in human relationships
Wanting filled what only You can fill?
Maybe
And yet You designed us for community
So
Not completely
I thought we were sharing life
I was sharing...
But it didn't come back
Or maybe just not the way I wanted
Was I hoping and asking for too much?
That feeling of being left hanging
Again
It feels like
Rejection
Not worthy
Not good enough
Being duped
Used
Misled
Then abandoned
It hurts
I turn to You
Never been such a reluctant giver
Wow, that was strange
I heard they were looking for financial support
They did not tell me or ask me to support
I did NOT think they should be getting and living off support
I hoped others would NOT support
That it would all be seen to be the wrong direction
And then I sensed Father saying to me
'Give x-dollars/month'
What? No. I don't want to.
Okay, well if you really want me to,
I want to obey, more than to 'be right'
But this does not seem at all right.
And how do I know it is really You speaking?
Is this You? or is it my crazy brain?
I've never been such a reluctant giver
Usually when prompted, it's pretty easy
But this time--No, You couldn't be asking that
(I'm still trying to adjust to so much)
And the idea came
Again and again
As I kept bringing myself before the Lord
And it came today in conversation with them
And it came again when I came home
And felt again the flood--hurt, anger...
So today I did
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
I wonder if it will be a bit of a battle every month
It seems tempting to give for a year all at once
But I think I need to stick with monthly
And I sense
It may be a part of the healing of my heart
So I gave
Reluctant at first, but not later
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
To give
To obey
To be a part of the good that may come of later
To know healing
To have my heart transformed
To lay down the hurts, and anger
To refuse to let any bitter roots grow
I heard they were looking for financial support
They did not tell me or ask me to support
I did NOT think they should be getting and living off support
I hoped others would NOT support
That it would all be seen to be the wrong direction
And then I sensed Father saying to me
'Give x-dollars/month'
What? No. I don't want to.
Okay, well if you really want me to,
I want to obey, more than to 'be right'
But this does not seem at all right.
And how do I know it is really You speaking?
Is this You? or is it my crazy brain?
I've never been such a reluctant giver
Usually when prompted, it's pretty easy
But this time--No, You couldn't be asking that
(I'm still trying to adjust to so much)
And the idea came
Again and again
As I kept bringing myself before the Lord
And it came today in conversation with them
And it came again when I came home
And felt again the flood--hurt, anger...
So today I did
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
I wonder if it will be a bit of a battle every month
It seems tempting to give for a year all at once
But I think I need to stick with monthly
And I sense
It may be a part of the healing of my heart
So I gave
Reluctant at first, but not later
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
To give
To obey
To be a part of the good that may come of later
To know healing
To have my heart transformed
To lay down the hurts, and anger
To refuse to let any bitter roots grow
Alone
Alone
And yet not quite
But still
Quite solitary
We all are
For no one
Completely understands
Completely knows
At least not up close
Except One
And yet He lets me feel
The alone part
To draw close
To lean in
Alone is not so bad
(Not sure exactly when I wrote this--a month or two ago? more?--found it in Drafts folder. Not "feelin' it" now in the way I probably was when I wrote it, but I like it.)
And yet not quite
But still
Quite solitary
We all are
For no one
Completely understands
Completely knows
At least not up close
Except One
And yet He lets me feel
The alone part
To draw close
To lean in
Alone is not so bad
(Not sure exactly when I wrote this--a month or two ago? more?--found it in Drafts folder. Not "feelin' it" now in the way I probably was when I wrote it, but I like it.)
Where my heart goes...
My eyes were a little wet before heading to the centre this morning. Thinking about the grade 10 student...her mom died on the 12th, Mid-Autumn Day--a traditional family gathering day. I knew she would probably die that day, but didn't find out till yesterday.
At least a few tears should fall each time I learn that someone I know loses someone.
My eyes were wet again walking home from the centre after lunch. The grade 12 guy who lost his dad on July 9th--at this weekly chat he cried again; it's so hard. We talked about how he just couldn't hold the tears back at the night class on the 9th of this month. And how he keeps thinking (and I cry as I think it about it now), "He was dying, and I was playing." How does someone get over the guilt?
When I left the centre, another guy was still there. Since we've opened it up for them to stay and hang out after lunch--read, or do homework or just nap--he's stayed behind every time. He takes every single opportunity to stay, to hang out, to participate in activities. I'm glad. Back in February I was worried about him. His older brother told me he had said he had considered suicide, was struggling. He lost his dad 7 years ago, must have been only 10, I'm glad he's signed up for the grief group in October. His mom, was seeing someone, but the family was opposed. That was awkward. But he is keen to grow and learn--admit his struggles and go forward. I think he'll be okay, but he needs a home.
Lots of stuff for high school students to face. I can't imagine. Well, I can, so ... I cry.
I cry, usually when they are not around, after I have been in their presence to comfort and walk along-side, help them find their way, lead them through a process that I think will help strengthen. And then I step back, reflect, process, and cry.
"Father of the fatherless, come down and rescue us. We need you. We need you again" (Jason Upton)
At least a few tears should fall each time I learn that someone I know loses someone.
My eyes were wet again walking home from the centre after lunch. The grade 12 guy who lost his dad on July 9th--at this weekly chat he cried again; it's so hard. We talked about how he just couldn't hold the tears back at the night class on the 9th of this month. And how he keeps thinking (and I cry as I think it about it now), "He was dying, and I was playing." How does someone get over the guilt?
When I left the centre, another guy was still there. Since we've opened it up for them to stay and hang out after lunch--read, or do homework or just nap--he's stayed behind every time. He takes every single opportunity to stay, to hang out, to participate in activities. I'm glad. Back in February I was worried about him. His older brother told me he had said he had considered suicide, was struggling. He lost his dad 7 years ago, must have been only 10, I'm glad he's signed up for the grief group in October. His mom, was seeing someone, but the family was opposed. That was awkward. But he is keen to grow and learn--admit his struggles and go forward. I think he'll be okay, but he needs a home.
Lots of stuff for high school students to face. I can't imagine. Well, I can, so ... I cry.
I cry, usually when they are not around, after I have been in their presence to comfort and walk along-side, help them find their way, lead them through a process that I think will help strengthen. And then I step back, reflect, process, and cry.
"Father of the fatherless, come down and rescue us. We need you. We need you again" (Jason Upton)
Hope for even me!
Some became fools because of their rebellious
ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities...
then they
cried to the LORD in their trouble
and He saved them from their
distress.
Ps. 107:17,19 TNIV
Today, coming before God, was a little difficult. Not sure what happened again last night, but I didn't sleep until 5 a.m. Well, I partly know what happened...I was thinking again. Again...same old issue, same old stuff I'm trying to figure out how to resolve, how to go forward with someone else. I'm still in the process of sorting it out. It wasn't like I was really agitated, just couldn't sleep, so then went on with writing the text and email I thought I should write (did not send it all yet though...needs time, and a review).
But it was discouraging.
After a week of going to bed on time 5 days last week...
After getting up and to the riverfront park near our office to pray with a colleaugue for a half hour before work 4 days this past week...
After knowing more "abiding" or "remaining" (John 15) in Him this week... After waking up Sunday with ready praise and easily giving thanks (most mornings I have to struggle to get there)...
After all that, it was discouraging to wake up again groggy, and frustrated, and wondering what went wrong, and what on earth should be said or not be said in this relationship.
Then I listened to a couple of Psalms, and one verse in Psalm 107 caught my ear and gave me hope. You know the passage? "Some people..." wandered in the desert, or were on the high seas, or...were facing such and such a trouble, and nearly died, or were nearly finished. Then they cried out to the LORD for help, and He heard them, and over and over again the NLT says, "He saved them from their distress."
Then came verses 17-21
Some became fools because of their rebellious
ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities...
then they
cried to the LORD in their trouble
and He saved them from their
distress.
He sent out His word and healed them, He rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for humankind...
And I realized...there is hope for even me today! Even if and when my troubles arise from some of my own foolishness, not knowing how to lay things down, struggling to get past an angry heart.
LORD, help! I so need you. I am so lost in this situation. I do not know how to see it. I do not know where to get advice. Everything I try doesn't seem to work. Moments of clarity are few and far between. I do not know what is wrong with my heart or wrong with the relationship, or how to lay it down or go forward. LORD help. Please heal. Please rescue.
Thank You that You hear. Thank You for Your unfailing love, for even me!
Is this my biggest sin?
Well maybe it's not my biggest--I am not sure "bigness" really matters anyway--but it may be my most common sin, yet something I have not seen so clearly as "sin".
It is: staying up too late, not getting my butt in gear to get to bed.
It has been my habit for as long as I can remember--junior high maybe.
In my heart, I think I used to take pride in the 'all-nighters', mock or somewhat despise those who lived such disciplined lives that they couldn't do them.
Late nights caused seriously embarrassing trouble twice--when I slept through the alarm the next day for work. Oh ,I have done that more than twice, but there were two times that were very embarassing (radio operator in Forestry--the whole forest knew about it--22 towers, the pilots that were to be flying...the dispatch officers)...bad... There were other times too--thinking about them now, ooh, feel bad about that.
The lack of discipline and late nights have, for many years, made it hard to get up in the morning.
Only in the past two or three years, have I seen the serious need to spend time with the Lord in the morning, and the need to go to bed earlier for that. Only in the past two or three years have I seen the connection between a regular earlier night's sleep, and regular better productivity at work. It has been a serious goal to have more and more nights in bed before midnight. I DO now regularly have more and more nights in bed before midnight.
But I do fall of the bandwagon. I do still have some late nights. And there are some nights where I go to bed in plenty of time, but then have a hard time sleeping--thinking so much, processing, finding it hard to lay things down. This last kind--I'm learning, but I consider them a little more out of my realm of control.
In the last couple of weeks I have been going to bed later than needed, but for no good reason. I just go online, read some articles, check out FB, kill a couple of hours before going to bed. "Kill" time--I hate that thought...I wasn't intending to, but I did kill it, waste it.
Today, thanks to Ann Voskamp, I read an article by Tim Keller, Wisdom and Sabbath Rest. Good stuff. Take a read.
And how I realized this waste of time really is serious?
The verse, Ephesians 5:15-17:
Then the comment that the KJV translates with the line "redeeming the time". Keller says, "Living wisely (or circumspectly) is to a great degree a matter of how we spend our time." And later he points out:
Oh Lord, I am so sorry. I see it now. I so often take this way too lightly. Experience is already telling me, and Your Word is telling me...it is a serious matter for consideration, and action! Lord have mercy. Lord forgive. Lord, I seek to live in obedience.
It is: staying up too late, not getting my butt in gear to get to bed.
It has been my habit for as long as I can remember--junior high maybe.
In my heart, I think I used to take pride in the 'all-nighters', mock or somewhat despise those who lived such disciplined lives that they couldn't do them.
Late nights caused seriously embarrassing trouble twice--when I slept through the alarm the next day for work. Oh ,I have done that more than twice, but there were two times that were very embarassing (radio operator in Forestry--the whole forest knew about it--22 towers, the pilots that were to be flying...the dispatch officers)...bad... There were other times too--thinking about them now, ooh, feel bad about that.
The lack of discipline and late nights have, for many years, made it hard to get up in the morning.
Only in the past two or three years, have I seen the serious need to spend time with the Lord in the morning, and the need to go to bed earlier for that. Only in the past two or three years have I seen the connection between a regular earlier night's sleep, and regular better productivity at work. It has been a serious goal to have more and more nights in bed before midnight. I DO now regularly have more and more nights in bed before midnight.
But I do fall of the bandwagon. I do still have some late nights. And there are some nights where I go to bed in plenty of time, but then have a hard time sleeping--thinking so much, processing, finding it hard to lay things down. This last kind--I'm learning, but I consider them a little more out of my realm of control.
In the last couple of weeks I have been going to bed later than needed, but for no good reason. I just go online, read some articles, check out FB, kill a couple of hours before going to bed. "Kill" time--I hate that thought...I wasn't intending to, but I did kill it, waste it.
Today, thanks to Ann Voskamp, I read an article by Tim Keller, Wisdom and Sabbath Rest. Good stuff. Take a read.
And how I realized this waste of time really is serious?
The verse, Ephesians 5:15-17:
"Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."
Then the comment that the KJV translates with the line "redeeming the time". Keller says, "Living wisely (or circumspectly) is to a great degree a matter of how we spend our time." And later he points out:
"Time-stewardship is a command!"
Oh Lord, I am so sorry. I see it now. I so often take this way too lightly. Experience is already telling me, and Your Word is telling me...it is a serious matter for consideration, and action! Lord have mercy. Lord forgive. Lord, I seek to live in obedience.
Jesus Prayer...starting to get it
When I first heard about the Jesus Prayer, I thought it was kind of strange.
I don't anymore.
Simple, one line--"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
And some people repeat it over and over? What's with that?
It seemed...too simple, and, more importantly, stuck at the beginning--that's what I thought. Isn't this too much focus on our sin, our sinfulness? Aren't we forgiven? and free? Don't we now stand righteous and clean before the throne of God because of what Jesus did for us?
Yes, we are. Yes, we do. Forgiven. Clean.
But now I understand.
This morning, this was my prayer.
I think this is the prayer that needs to remain on my lips, flow from my heart, until its truth echoes to the deepest regions of my heart, until the transformation comes.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God...
You are the One I turn to. You are the only one who can rescue. You are...
...have mercy on me...
God, I can do nothing on my own. I'm so lost without you. I cannot transform myself. You tell me to love, to not consider my own interests, to... but I can't make myself love like that, I cannot find a way to be like you.
...a sinner.
Yes, I'm redeemed, but...oh God, I'm so far away. My heart is far uglier than I imagined. And in all this 'stuff' with other people that is going on...yeah, I am disappointed with what they have done, but I can totally see how they can feel exactly the same about me. I am ... a sinner.
Sometimes all I can pray, and all I can pray repeatedly, is:
I don't anymore.
Simple, one line--"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
And some people repeat it over and over? What's with that?
It seemed...too simple, and, more importantly, stuck at the beginning--that's what I thought. Isn't this too much focus on our sin, our sinfulness? Aren't we forgiven? and free? Don't we now stand righteous and clean before the throne of God because of what Jesus did for us?
Yes, we are. Yes, we do. Forgiven. Clean.
But now I understand.
This morning, this was my prayer.
I think this is the prayer that needs to remain on my lips, flow from my heart, until its truth echoes to the deepest regions of my heart, until the transformation comes.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God...
You are the One I turn to. You are the only one who can rescue. You are...
...have mercy on me...
God, I can do nothing on my own. I'm so lost without you. I cannot transform myself. You tell me to love, to not consider my own interests, to... but I can't make myself love like that, I cannot find a way to be like you.
...a sinner.
Yes, I'm redeemed, but...oh God, I'm so far away. My heart is far uglier than I imagined. And in all this 'stuff' with other people that is going on...yeah, I am disappointed with what they have done, but I can totally see how they can feel exactly the same about me. I am ... a sinner.
Sometimes all I can pray, and all I can pray repeatedly, is:
Lord Jesus Christ,
Son of God,
Son of God,
have mercy on me,
a sinner.
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