Working Around the Abyss

I need to spend some time with You today Lord, "working around the hole of my pain" (an idea from Nouwen, see below). The pain, the emptiness...it's been calling out to me, with various reminders. And I'm tempted to run, and I've been busying myself in other places distracting myself, but it's always there. I need to come to You with it. I need to look at it, really look. Jesus, can we walk into it together?

We walk toward,
You're holding my hand.
I point
and with tears streaming down my face, look up to You
Here it is Lord
It hurts
So much...

From Henri Nouwen's, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom

Work Around Your Abyss
There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

Sad... and okay

A sadness envelops
At the close of this day
A sadness that is yearning
And processing
And grieving

I've been crying today for the guys
And thankful to have facilitated (Your guiding I think)
A safe place to share
And cry
All of them said
They had never shared like that before
"Didn't know where to find someone to tell," said one

Tears...
Such a valuable part of my journey
And they've been told
Sharing, and tears
Make you weak
How are they so quick to believe us?
Or, maybe they're just okay recognizing they ARE weak
We all are

And I'm crying for other things
So many other things...
It's just how it feels today
And that's okay

I cry before You
And You are here
And if I stop
If I stay
I might actually even feel You here

.....

Related...an excellent article read this week: Quit Burying Your Emptiness in Noise and Activity

From the article:
The silence we need is more than an absence of sound; it’s a break from constant stimulus and activity. It’s about allowing the tangled cords in our spirit and mind to unravel and be stilled. It’s about stopping the constant need to control our surroundings with our actions and words in a never-ending quest to drown out the unrest in our hearts. It’s about facing the dragon of emptiness, loneliness, frustration, anger, hurt, and need head on . . . and doing the soul-wrenching work of letting
Jesus deal with it.

Thirsty--Psalm 84

So...
Those who long
Those who are "thirsty"

Want to just hang out with You
Sit in Your "house,"  never leaving?
I could handle that

But then it also means something else
The thirst seems to be more about journeying
Forever wanting to journey to where You are
And on this journey
This thirst, this hope
Gives them strength

And thirst
Somehow becomes trust
And Your favour comes to these ones...

Does this song...that I came to love at Christmas time...fit here?
Maybe just the two lines
   for all who wait
   for all who hunger...

Thirsty

What does it mean to be "thirsty for God" (the theme for this week's prayer times) ?
I have thought many things

Am I thirsty?
Sometimes it seems I am
But there are days I can spend so little time in conversation with God
And so much time in conversation with others--non-essential conversation

How can I become more thirsty?
Is there a way to cultivate thirst?
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."
"Yes, but you can salt his oats."

What would make me more thirsty for you?
Then I think of how friendships work
The more I spend time with someone, the more I want to spend time with them.
How do I just get spending time?

In some ways I am
And I keep coming back
Please keep drawing me back

Remembering who You are helps make me thirsty
I spent hours on a bus one day
I asked You to help make it a day becoming more thirsty for You
For You to bring me back

And as I turned toward You
(and got some good rest before that too!)
You opened my eyes
You helped me to see
Many thoughts came and went
Living in Your presence
An enjoyable day

I listened to many songs that day
It was my "faithful" playlist
And as I was reminded about who You are
Who I know You are
I sensed my heart-thirst growing

Yep, maybe this is how it's done
In simple little ways
Continuing to turn to You
Turn back to You
Spend time with You
Respond to the thoughts and ideas that come to mind
Spend time talking with you about them

Lord, please continue to cultivate this thirst in me...